DISCLAIMER: This post will seem very real. You’ll deny all the allegations but your partner will agree with me. Reading this post is like hitting your own nuts. Some will feel the pain and some won’t find them there.
"Relationship is like a ship which will either sink like Titanic or will be hijacked by Somali pirates."
Relationships started when no one knew the literal meaning of them. Look at horny ‘Adam’ and bewafa ‘Eve’. Those dumbfucks, inspiration to Birth control pill, God’s answer to ‘Shilajit’ had no idea what they’re up to, yet they have more than 6 billion children. Don’t say Oh FUCK!!!! It will add few more to the tally.
Later on relationships were nicely defined as ‘Meeting of souls’ by few ass-holes whose own daughters said, ‘Fuck, you dad’ and in return they said, ‘Happy Daughter’s day’.
Then came the era when "Abhishek Bachchan" arrived on this earth in his Drona outfit. All the guys who liked him automatically turned Gay and all those girls who found him sexy turned Lesbian overnight. Indian Penal court de-criminalised homosexuality in India and Karan Johar hugged SRK 377 times while Arjun Rampal watched them with tears in hispants eyes. Alright, I made up the Karan-SRK-Arjun trimurti, but Baba Ramdev asked me to do so. Had I not done it, he threatened me of dire consequences of watching him perform some yoga posture in which he lifts his ass and swings it like a boomerang.
Thanks to my un-employment and the inner desire to destroy my own life, I started watching India’s number 1 tele-serial ‘Balika Vadhu’. I've learnt one thing from it. No matter if the girl is 10 years old who still sucks her thumb and collects the lint from her navel, ALWAYS MARRY A GIRL.
Even if you’re a girl, then also marry a girl. Later on you both can have an affair with me...... I'm serious.
Over the years I have felt, saw, said, read, observed, wrote, conceptualised, visualised, and even heard my own pre-paid GF saying different things about other girls and guys. All I can say is that if you want to have a so called “Good, healthy relationship”, then read the below mentioned points and follow them religiously (Dera Sacha Sauda is not a religion) to experience a more satisfied relationship.
GIRLS: When a guy says that he like the way you walk.... In simple English he means that he like the way your cheeks twist when you move. FUCK IT. He likes your ASS.
When he says he like your T-shirt, he means your ...... You know what I mean.
When he says he like the way you speak, dress, shit etc..... He means he wants to Fraaandship with you.
GUYS: When a girl says she like your jeans. She means it’s better than her brother’s.
When she says she like the way you speak, dress, and scratch your crotch.... Don’t get excited. She says the same thing to every other guy so that in return she can assemble few compliments for herself.
GIRLS: Please don’t try to talk intellectually and don’t get excited when we nod in agreement. We nod because when we do so our eyes, along with our head, moves down and we are able to catch a glance of your breasts. AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
GUYS: Don’t think that girls don’t know when you see their assets. They actually want you to see them. REALLY!!!!
GIRLS: Guys got more than _ _ N _ _ (I mean moNey)
GUYS: Girls got more than Boobs. She also got _ _ _ _ _ “HEART” *clears his throat*
GIRLS: Guys have two senses:
1. Hunger
2. Horny
If you’re not eating them, then make something for them to eat.
GUYS: Girls have two minds ... One given by God (which is unnecessary and adds to their weight) and the second one which they develop on their own... The second mind contains all the words of wisdom which they gather from their roommates, PG girls and fat, disfigured Aunties.
GIRLS: Please try to pay sometimes for a lunch or a movie. We earn as much as you do PLUS the Indian government deducts less tax from your salary. So ideally, you should pay as you also get a free ride in our car. But paying once in 100 times can still make our pockets feel better. If Rahul Roy can become a Tiger on a full moon night, you can also pay sometimes.
GUYS: If she is not paying, then she is using you. If she is not using you and still not paying, then you are getting used on your own. If you are getting used and later at night ..... Ohhh Ahhhh Ouucccchhh, then its okay my brother from another mother.
GIRLS: When we say don’t talk to that Guy, WE ARE NOT GETTING POSSESIVE. That guy thinks that you got 4 eyes. Two where they are supposed to be, and two on your chest. So try to understand our indications.
GUYS: If a girl asks you not to talk to a particular girl, then she is definitely getting possessive. Simply enjoy the moment.
GIRLS: Your Guy was, is, and will never be the BEST, but the worst part is that you make us realise that on our very first fight over SMS being delivered late. C’mon girl. Don’t make me feel low. Just talk to God Damn Airtel customer care.
GUYS: Your girl was, is, and will never be the BEST. You know it, the whole world knows it and even she knows it. Just don’t tell her all by yourself.
GIRLS: If you are looking for a perfect guy, then you’re on the wrong planet.
GUYS: If you’re looking for a perfect girl, then go get yourself a freaking Barbie doll.
GIRLS: Never compare your guy with your best friend Sunita’s BF. I know her guy is better than yours but isn’t she better than you? You know Sunita is hotter, sexier and more open-minded than you because you must have seen her naked..... Don’t you girls roam naked in front of each other? If No, then WHY NOT?
Also never compare your guy with the guy you saw in the porn movie during your last girl’s night out. You know the reason.
GUYS: DON’T compare your girl with anyone, not even with your neighbour’s girl. You simply know your neighbour’s girl is better.
GIRLS: Your ex-BF was not, your current guy is nowhere near, and your future husband will never be a so called “True Gentlemen” .... DEAL WITH IT.
GUYS: Your ex-blood sucking Vampire was not, your current sweetheart is nowhere near, and your future-destroyer will never be the hottest, richest or simply the BEST girl that you can ever get. .... Let’s feel Sorry for each other.
GIRLS: If it itches, IT WILL BE >>> scratched.
GUYS: It definitely itches, but she won’t scratch.
GIRLS are definitely not >>> GIRL: God’s Inferior and Rejected Lot
GUYS are definitely >>> GUYS: God’s Unique and Youthful Soul
DONT's in a Relationship
1. Don’t check your partner’s mobile phone
NO NO NO NEVER ji NEVER
A guy’s phone will contain some latest MMS kand and the girl’s phone will have all the messages of her ex-BF and of all the guys who religiously wish her Good Morning and Good Night.
2. If you’re a guy and your girl is fat, tell her that you like meaty girls. If she is skinny, then tell her that you like your cat with no fat. If you can also say “Meow Meow” that would be wonderful.
3. Every girl says that she has never seen porn and no guy have ever touched her before. Guys, you know she is lying but don’t tell her. Just make a fuck-face as if you are very overwhelmed. Simply fake it because this is what she does when she is in bed with you.
4. Girls: Never ask your BF not to go out with his friends because you know he won’t obey you and you’ll be left sulking.
Guys: Never ask your GF who dropped her home from work. She’ll never understand that guys are rascals who maro-fy a chance on every girl. She'll say that you don't trust her enough and BLAH BLAH BLAH and in the end you'll be left cribbing.
How to get FIJIKAL?
Every girl wants to indulge in a FIJIKAL (Punjabi touch to Physical) relationship with her guy..... It’s how you approach her.
a. If you say you want to involve with her physically, she will nod thrice in her imagination like that of Ranbir Kapur in Pepsi Youngistan commercial, but just to project herself as Sati-Savetri she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”
b. If you say, “I think YOU want to have sex with me”, she will think God Damnit, he loves me so much that he can read my eyes and she will blow an imaginary Yipppeee punch in the air, but instead she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”
c. If you, like a true gentleman, say, ‘I think we both should take this relationship to the next level’..... She will think, ‘Bloody Loser, you wasted my 15 days’ and she will give an astonishing, surprised expression like that of the lady in Tide commercial but instead she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”
Question of the Millenium: Kya hai yeh ‘Ek Cheez’ jo har ladke ko chahiye?
Let me answer it once and for all. The one thing which a guy asks for is TRUE LOVE. Do you have it?
How to have a GOOD RELATIONSHIP?
YOU CAN’T...... NEVER
In short, every relationship will fail. Make sure your Love doesn’t.
Yesterday’s girls liked stability, guys liked mobility
Today’s girls like mobility and guys like stability
Tomorrow’s girls will like mobility and stability along with understanding, money and guys will turn GAY (God’s asynchronous Youth)
Girls need tall, rich, rugged, rough, 'popular-in-girls' boy-friend but are ready to marry a small, dark, clumsy Guy who has a GOOD, white-collared, 9-5 job ..... GIRLS ALWAYS FALLS FOR BAD GUY BUT SETTLES WITH a 'settled guy'.... I think it’s time to become Swami Nityananda.
P.S.: Girls, standing and peeing is difficult. We make it look easy with years of practice.
-J.Walia
"Relationship is like a ship which will either sink like Titanic or will be hijacked by Somali pirates."
Relationships started when no one knew the literal meaning of them. Look at horny ‘Adam’ and bewafa ‘Eve’. Those dumbfucks, inspiration to Birth control pill, God’s answer to ‘Shilajit’ had no idea what they’re up to, yet they have more than 6 billion children. Don’t say Oh FUCK!!!! It will add few more to the tally.
Later on relationships were nicely defined as ‘Meeting of souls’ by few ass-holes whose own daughters said, ‘Fuck, you dad’ and in return they said, ‘Happy Daughter’s day’.
Then came the era when "Abhishek Bachchan" arrived on this earth in his Drona outfit. All the guys who liked him automatically turned Gay and all those girls who found him sexy turned Lesbian overnight. Indian Penal court de-criminalised homosexuality in India and Karan Johar hugged SRK 377 times while Arjun Rampal watched them with tears in his
Thanks to my un-employment and the inner desire to destroy my own life, I started watching India’s number 1 tele-serial ‘Balika Vadhu’. I've learnt one thing from it. No matter if the girl is 10 years old who still sucks her thumb and collects the lint from her navel, ALWAYS MARRY A GIRL.
Even if you’re a girl, then also marry a girl. Later on you both can have an affair with me...... I'm serious.
Over the years I have felt, saw, said, read, observed, wrote, conceptualised, visualised, and even heard my own pre-paid GF saying different things about other girls and guys. All I can say is that if you want to have a so called “Good, healthy relationship”, then read the below mentioned points and follow them religiously (Dera Sacha Sauda is not a religion) to experience a more satisfied relationship.
GIRLS: When a guy says that he like the way you walk.... In simple English he means that he like the way your cheeks twist when you move. FUCK IT. He likes your ASS.
When he says he like your T-shirt, he means your ...... You know what I mean.
When he says he like the way you speak, dress, shit etc..... He means he wants to Fraaandship with you.
GUYS: When a girl says she like your jeans. She means it’s better than her brother’s.
When she says she like the way you speak, dress, and scratch your crotch.... Don’t get excited. She says the same thing to every other guy so that in return she can assemble few compliments for herself.
GIRLS: Please don’t try to talk intellectually and don’t get excited when we nod in agreement. We nod because when we do so our eyes, along with our head, moves down and we are able to catch a glance of your breasts. AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
GUYS: Don’t think that girls don’t know when you see their assets. They actually want you to see them. REALLY!!!!
GIRLS: Guys got more than _ _ N _ _ (I mean moNey)
GUYS: Girls got more than Boobs. She also got _ _ _ _ _ “HEART” *clears his throat*
GIRLS: Guys have two senses:
1. Hunger
2. Horny
If you’re not eating them, then make something for them to eat.
GUYS: Girls have two minds ... One given by God (which is unnecessary and adds to their weight) and the second one which they develop on their own... The second mind contains all the words of wisdom which they gather from their roommates, PG girls and fat, disfigured Aunties.
GIRLS: Please try to pay sometimes for a lunch or a movie. We earn as much as you do PLUS the Indian government deducts less tax from your salary. So ideally, you should pay as you also get a free ride in our car. But paying once in 100 times can still make our pockets feel better. If Rahul Roy can become a Tiger on a full moon night, you can also pay sometimes.
GUYS: If she is not paying, then she is using you. If she is not using you and still not paying, then you are getting used on your own. If you are getting used and later at night ..... Ohhh Ahhhh Ouucccchhh, then its okay my brother from another mother.
GIRLS: When we say don’t talk to that Guy, WE ARE NOT GETTING POSSESIVE. That guy thinks that you got 4 eyes. Two where they are supposed to be, and two on your chest. So try to understand our indications.
GUYS: If a girl asks you not to talk to a particular girl, then she is definitely getting possessive. Simply enjoy the moment.
GIRLS: Your Guy was, is, and will never be the BEST, but the worst part is that you make us realise that on our very first fight over SMS being delivered late. C’mon girl. Don’t make me feel low. Just talk to God Damn Airtel customer care.
GUYS: Your girl was, is, and will never be the BEST. You know it, the whole world knows it and even she knows it. Just don’t tell her all by yourself.
GIRLS: If you are looking for a perfect guy, then you’re on the wrong planet.
GUYS: If you’re looking for a perfect girl, then go get yourself a freaking Barbie doll.
GIRLS: Never compare your guy with your best friend Sunita’s BF. I know her guy is better than yours but isn’t she better than you? You know Sunita is hotter, sexier and more open-minded than you because you must have seen her naked..... Don’t you girls roam naked in front of each other? If No, then WHY NOT?
Also never compare your guy with the guy you saw in the porn movie during your last girl’s night out. You know the reason.
GUYS: DON’T compare your girl with anyone, not even with your neighbour’s girl. You simply know your neighbour’s girl is better.
GIRLS: Your ex-BF was not, your current guy is nowhere near, and your future husband will never be a so called “True Gentlemen” .... DEAL WITH IT.
GUYS: Your ex-blood sucking Vampire was not, your current sweetheart is nowhere near, and your future-destroyer will never be the hottest, richest or simply the BEST girl that you can ever get. .... Let’s feel Sorry for each other.
GIRLS: If it itches, IT WILL BE >>> scratched.
GUYS: It definitely itches, but she won’t scratch.
GIRLS are definitely not >>> GIRL: God’s Inferior and Rejected Lot
GUYS are definitely >>> GUYS: God’s Unique and Youthful Soul
DONT's in a Relationship
1. Don’t check your partner’s mobile phone
NO NO NO NEVER ji NEVER
A guy’s phone will contain some latest MMS kand and the girl’s phone will have all the messages of her ex-BF and of all the guys who religiously wish her Good Morning and Good Night.
2. If you’re a guy and your girl is fat, tell her that you like meaty girls. If she is skinny, then tell her that you like your cat with no fat. If you can also say “Meow Meow” that would be wonderful.
3. Every girl says that she has never seen porn and no guy have ever touched her before. Guys, you know she is lying but don’t tell her. Just make a fuck-face as if you are very overwhelmed. Simply fake it because this is what she does when she is in bed with you.
4. Girls: Never ask your BF not to go out with his friends because you know he won’t obey you and you’ll be left sulking.
Guys: Never ask your GF who dropped her home from work. She’ll never understand that guys are rascals who maro-fy a chance on every girl. She'll say that you don't trust her enough and BLAH BLAH BLAH and in the end you'll be left cribbing.
How to get FIJIKAL?
Every girl wants to indulge in a FIJIKAL (Punjabi touch to Physical) relationship with her guy..... It’s how you approach her.
a. If you say you want to involve with her physically, she will nod thrice in her imagination like that of Ranbir Kapur in Pepsi Youngistan commercial, but just to project herself as Sati-Savetri she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”
b. If you say, “I think YOU want to have sex with me”, she will think God Damnit, he loves me so much that he can read my eyes and she will blow an imaginary Yipppeee punch in the air, but instead she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”
c. If you, like a true gentleman, say, ‘I think we both should take this relationship to the next level’..... She will think, ‘Bloody Loser, you wasted my 15 days’ and she will give an astonishing, surprised expression like that of the lady in Tide commercial but instead she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”
Question of the Millenium: Kya hai yeh ‘Ek Cheez’ jo har ladke ko chahiye?
Let me answer it once and for all. The one thing which a guy asks for is TRUE LOVE. Do you have it?
How to have a GOOD RELATIONSHIP?
YOU CAN’T...... NEVER
In short, every relationship will fail. Make sure your Love doesn’t.
Yesterday’s girls liked stability, guys liked mobility
Today’s girls like mobility and guys like stability
Tomorrow’s girls will like mobility and stability along with understanding, money and guys will turn GAY (God’s asynchronous Youth)
Girls need tall, rich, rugged, rough, 'popular-in-girls' boy-friend but are ready to marry a small, dark, clumsy Guy who has a GOOD, white-collared, 9-5 job ..... GIRLS ALWAYS FALLS FOR BAD GUY BUT SETTLES WITH a 'settled guy'.... I think it’s time to become Swami Nityananda.
P.S.: Girls, standing and peeing is difficult. We make it look easy with years of practice.
-J.Walia
