An Open Letter to my Future Wife

Sohneyo, Maan-mohneyo, Makhan de duneo

First of all, if your boy-friend is touching you here and there and god knows where-where, tell that Shilajit consumer to STOP, you fucking whore.

You girls first ask us to measure the depth of your holes, and then you all say, “Sab ladke ek jaise hote hai”. WTF!! How Diplomatic!! Kya koi jabardasti karta hai? And how in this non-virgin world do you know about so called ‘Sab ladke’? How many guys have you been with?

Yaar, mujhe ek baat aaj tak samajh nahi aayi, why do girls always say that guys need only one thing? Kya hai woh cheez, aaj bata he do.... Girls, you took our name, you took our clothes, you took our style, our hairstyle, our drinking habbits etc. and all we ever took was a hole, aur tum bura maan gayi... Kya yaar!

"The one thing that every guy wants is TRUE LOVE."   Do you girls have that to give?

This “Sab ladke ek jaise hote hai” theory has travelled down centuries by aunties who either never got laid like Dolly Bindra, or got laid too often like Savita Bhabhi.

FYI: Girls have two minds. One is given by God (which is unnecessary and adds to their weight) and the second one which they develop on their own. The second mind contains all the words of wisdom which they gather from their roommates, PG girls and fat, disfigured aunties.

BLOODY BITCHES!

(Keep calm. Stay calm. Count to 10.     1, 2, 3, 4, 5,  Bobby Darling, 7, 8,  1.5 times Bobby darling, 10…. Take deep breaths)

I’m sorry ji, thora gussa aa gaya tha. My last GF used to say that sometimes I behave like Nana Patekar of Agnisakshi. No, I’m not a woman-beater, absolutely not. What she really meant was that I get angry faster than Yuvraj Singh changes his girlfriend. Hmmmm.. See, if you’re lusting/loving/fucking other guys behind my back, I won’t give you a Nobel Prize. Obviously, I’ll get angry. So, if I would ever be angry with you, it will be for your own good. Remember that always.

Imaging you with someone else is more than my gentle heart can bear. It’s like being Sri Lanka or Pakistan and watch India lift the Cricket World Cup. It’s like being Salman Khan and watch Katrina’s boobs being fondled by Bollywood’s bad man Gulshan Grover. Talking of Katrina, do you know when her MMS kaand is coming out?

How stupid of me. Since you’re a girl, how would you know? Like 3 billion of your fellow females, you would’ve also never watched a porn movie. I know that very well. And like 3 billion of your fellow liars, you must be a virgin too.

God is great. I don't know how but I always end up with a girl who is so innocent that she refers to a penis as toto, has never watched a porn movie, needless to say is a virgin, and thinks that Bhagwaan ji sends a fairy who drops the baby in a basket outside the house. Wow! Lucky me!

I'm sure you'll be more pure than Tulsi-Mihir rishta.

“A girl has the power to convince the guy that she is virgin even if she is married twice and has 5 kids.”

As I was saying, if he tries to touch you, shoot the deadliest arrow girls have --> “Sab-Kuch-Karenge-Shaadi-Ke-Baad”. Since you will be my future wife, so ultimately you'll get married to me and hence, that son of Tharki-India will be tackled....... Kalol..... Me clever na!?     :)

I HOPE [How Often People Expect] that you remain virgin till the time I get your boat explores its maiden journey in my waters. Finding a virgin seems more unrealistic than India topping the medal tally in Olympics. But as I said, I just HOPE. There is no compulsion. If the boat has already sailed in some other waters, then nothing could be done, par aapki kashti ko kinare mein he lagaunga. If not you, then I hope your sister aka my saali aka aadhi gharwali is a kancha maal aka virgin.

FACT: In today's world finding a 18+ virgin girl is as impossible as going back in time and saving Bhagat Singh.

JOKE TIME:  Ques. What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

                          Ans.   BLOWJOB

Haha, lol, Khi khi. See, I’m funny. I can make you laugh even while having sex, largely because of my inexperienced moves.

BTW, may I call you Gulabo?  Gulabo is the Punjabi virgin version of pink-y. The best part of a woman’s body should have a tinge of pink.

Gulabo, I feel sorry for you that you’ll get married to me. I know your old BF’s were all chikna’s, clean-shaven with 6 pack Abs, and seeing the trend that all Sikhs are getting their hair chopped, your ailing mother and father’s aakhiri qawaish would be to make you marry a guy who at least sports a turban no matter if he works in a call-center.
I, Jorawar Singh Walia, herby feel pity for you.

Did you know: Kissing a Sikh on his lips is more like licking hair.     Adjust kar lena ji.


SETTING EXPECTATIONS:

1.      I sometimes behave like a child. I might even demand to drink milk directly from your breasts. That’s the way I’m. You need to deal with it. You need to be patient with me. More patient than a dead body.

2.      NEVER disconnect my call. I hate it. I hate it more than Pakistan hates peace. I hate it more than a penis hates the touch of its owner’s hand. I hate it more than a girl hates all other girls, especially the beautiful ones. I hate it more than my Ex-GF’s husband hates me. I SIMPLY HATE IT!!

3.      I’m lazy, I don’t like going to social gatherings, I don’t do any household work, I watch Saas-Bahu serials and YOU have to wash my underwear.

4.      I work in a call-center, and if you ever divorce me for that, I forgive you upfront.

Gulabo, my mind is a mystery. You’ll never be able to understand me completely. Just keep it simple. Just be my Rebecca Black and I’ll be your Justin Bieber. We both will be silly fuckheads, forever.

I wish I find your G-spot as easily as Sachin finds a century in the cricket field.


On a serious note: Thanks for waiting for me. I promise you won't regret it.

Tuhada te sirf tuhada

Joru  (Haye Rabba, meinu sharan aundi ae)



                                                                                                     - J.Walia