An Open Letter to Poonam Pandey

Dear Poo,

I must tell you, your name sounds like a fart, but aapke husan ki kya baat kya BAAT KYA BAAT

POONAM PANDEY - The first time I heard you name, I thought you to be an old lady with a wrinkled forehead and with breasts growing downwards. But then I googled you and, I must admit, I was left star-struck. Immediately, Bryan Adams’s “I wanna be - your underwear” ringed my brain cells. I just hope you don’t wear a Nade wala Kaccha like me. I searched ‘Poonam Pandey hot pics’, and a feeling of accomplishment came in my dick heart. I felt good. I felt the same way Anna Hazare’s eyes and stomach felt after seeing food. I felt the same way a Pendu feels after cumming coming to Chandigarh or the same way Rakhi Sawant felt after getting her penis removed. I felt COMPLETE.

Since the day you announced that you’ll strip naked if Indian team wins the Cricket World Cup, I stopped watching porn. I even deleted, freshly downloaded, “Virgin Punjaban” porn movie. You have no idea how difficult it is to get a porn movie with a virgin girl making her debut. There is a possibility that Pakistan may stop producing terrorists, but getting a virgin girl’s seal breaking video is as impossible as getting quota system being removed from India.

I’m sure by now you must have been ‘Tested OK’ by Vijay Mallya and the quality check must have been done by his son, Siddharth Mallya. If those guys passed you, I’m sure Indian audience will lust love you. Allow my penis to be a Kingfisher bottle and let your vagina be the bottle opener, and I’m sure we both will be the King of good times. By now, many Indians would have selected your bikini clad picture as their computer’s background, and some of them would’ve even licked it.

PETA president asked you to strip for animals. There is no need to strip for God-made dogs when you can strip for Man-made dogs aka Humans. There is no harm in removing clothes for the country. Even Mahatma Gandhi did that. Though he removed his clothes mainly to insert his Khadi pole in the Charkha hole of his niece, other females he used to sleep naked with, and that male German bodybuilder. Everyone is born naked, so removing clothes is like going back to basics, being at ground zero, back to square one. Whosoever says that it will be against Indian tradition if you shed your clothes, is talking like that Vegetarian guy who first delivers a lecture that we shouldn’t eat meat, we shouldn’t eat non-veg, and then goes back to his place, strips his wife naked, eats her lips, her br****, her p**$y, and then does all that non-veg stuff with her.     Huh!!! Bloody Hypocrites.
I’m sure you won’t disappoint me and aap apne kapde utarogi jhatpat phataphat.

"I’m taking for granted that your face is also pretty."

If you strip naked, you’ll become Silk Smitha of modern India. You will become a real-life example of Savita Bhabhi. You’ll replace all naked structures in Ajanta-Ellora caves. Your Shakti Kapoor kind of act can be used to lure Atal Bihari Vajpayee to marry, L.K. Advani to stop dreaming about becoming the Prime Minister, and it can even force Moraji Desai to be re-born, drink his own urine, and die again. You’ll become goddess of every Indian virgin and help them paint their walls white.

Here’s a small poem I’ve written in your honour


You be my maid, I’ll be your Shiney
You be my Bullet, I’ll be your Kiney
You be my Monica, I’ll be your Clinton
Please strip naked and let me have some fun

I’ll be your Raja, You be my 2G spectrum
Please wear minimum, so that I can see the Maximum
I’ll be your Ramdev, you be my Yoga
Fikar na kar, jo hona hai woh hoga

You be my Amarjot, I’ll be your Chamkila
You be my Billi, I’ll be your Billa
You be my condom, I’ll be your iPill
Tere husan ne mera hai churaya Dil

I’ll be your Farmville, you be my angry bird
I’ll be your Allo Parantha, you be my plain curd
I’ll be your India, you be my corruption
I’ll be your G-spot, you be my eruption

Yo! Be my Bitch, I’ll be Yo! Daddy
When it starts to leak blood, Yo! Wear the paddy
Remove the fucking clothes, when Yo! Ready
You’re a playgirl, Yo! Every virgin’s teddy.

I’ll be your Laalu, You be my Chara
Kapde outar de, keh raha Walia bechara
Beta Poo, yeh mauka phir na aayega dobara
“Vaada pura karo” hai har Bharatiye ka naara

Aap ne cricket ke mauke par, naked hone ka aisa chauka mara ki pura India is chance ko dekhne ke liye dance karne lag gaya. I must say, what an idea Madamji….. What an Idea!
If you somehow keep up to your promise, then my grand salute to you, else I’m sure few Indian will assemble at Jantar Mantar and observe No-masturbation-till-Poonam-Pandey-gets-naked celibacy.

In the end I just wanna say that you made the World Cup more interesting.

Poo, it’s an honour to say, “You make my pants go TIGHT!!!”          Ouch!!  Zip tutt gayi


Yours seductively

J.Walia