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Disclaimer: NONE

Prologue: I have myself worked in Dell technical support for 33 months. So whatever you read in this granth about call-center is true and accurate as per my knowledge (which is not much)

To whomsoever it may concern........................ but certainly not you. YES, NOT YOU

Call center is a place where a customer either calls or he receives a call from. So in simple words, call center is a PIMP but it doesn’t supply girls (or maybe it does. I really don’t know).
Similarly, a call center agent is a person who either calls or receives a call. So basically they are like a receptionist, but with non-silicon boobs and covered legs.

Call center is like a fish net. Initially it looks attractive but once in, there is no escape route. Fresh out from a college on a 135 CC bike or Kinetic Honda, many join call centers in their tender age when they are in a pre-puberty stage. Almost everyone joins a call center to get some give bucks, so that they can buy good clothes, party around and if possible, get laid.

Guys join a call center to Patao-fy girls (Like I did) and girls join a call center to leave their BF’s (Like my girl did)

There are three types of people in this ‘America-dominating-China-exporting’ world:

1. Horny

2. Hungry

3. Call center employees (CCE- Crap career experience)






If you wanna know more about call center employees then look down. Not your crotch, Idiot.


1. Their pronunciation is worst. They pronounce pronunciation as pro-noun-cia-tion. I myself said Michael instead of Michelle.

2. They don’t understand a single fucking word of a Rock or RAP song but they do bang their heads as if they are the biggest nigger‘s around. They open www.lyrics.com and read the lyrics to lip-sync.

3. They are the biggest Industry trained liar’s on the face of our Mother earth. With time they even lose each and every sense from their body. After few years they can’t even differentiate the smell coming from a call center's cafe and a fart.

4. Many times Americans abuse us but we just laugh it off not because they can screw our country by bombing us, but for a simple reason that we don’t understand a thick slang.

5. Managers are filthy. They are the horniest of creatures around. If a girl misses a cab, the manager goes and picks her up. If a guy misses his cab, manager simply gets a cab arranged. I know every employee is nodding and every manager is frowning.

6. Support system: We have 10-12 colleagues in a team, a resolution expert, a troubleshooting supervisor, a call-back supervisor, Manager (absolutely of no use), a special department which does RnD on issues, Internal troubleshooting tools, we get proper training on every aspect, we can also take help from anyone on the floor plus we have GOOGLE...... Still we’re unable to resolve customer’s issue. Sorry my rich American friend’s. We are not as intelligent as you think. Our brains are either wrapped with turban or the hairless scalp is roasted under sun.

It’s a myth that we Indians are intelligent. Okay, a couple of South Indian’s are but the remaining population is as confused and helpless as Indian cricket team is in front of cheer-leaders.

7. The accent which you think or show of Indians in your movies is absolutely correct except for North Indians. We, North Indian’s, are superior in looks, style, dressing sense, accent and most importantly show-off’s. We are fukara’s.

8. A call-center employee is a loser who is well paid. Seriously, even Baba Ramdev will agree with me. See, he is expressing his agreement by blinking his eye.

9. In a call center, every second guy has man-boobs and every second girl doesn’t have boobs. I guess this is what film-maker, B.R. Chopra, meant when he made the movie ‘Insaaf ka Tarazu'.

10. When I joined Dell, they said a line straight out of Shakespeare’s play, ‘No two days in Dell is same’. BITCH, I sulked for 33 months there and every single day I did the same work like crapping in the morning.

11. Every call-center girl has a BF. This is a 100% reality based on my phone survey with my other call-center friends. Even the ugliest of chick gets laid in a call-center.

12. GIRLS do get easy and quick promotion as compared to boys in ‘Mecca of Telephones’..... Don’t believe me? Ask any call-center girl.

13. A DOG can still be read as GOD if reversed, but a call center employee will always be a call center employee, if not by profession then by mind. It's irreversible.

14. Never marry a call-center employee for a simple reason that he/she is a call-center employee.

15. The more you know a Call-center employee, the more you know about educated illiterates and poor money-makers.

16. Parents of a Call-center employee are initially ashamed that their child works in a call center, but with time they get use to constant nagging of their relatives and Mrs. Samay (Wife of legendary ‘Mein Samay Hoon’ of Mahabharat’s fame) that the parents eventually stop feeling ashamed of being ashamed.

17. Every Call-centre employee have dark circles, and I’m not talking about the one’s which are under the eyes.

18. There is ‘No free Lunch’.... Not even in a Call-center.

19. Working in a Call-center and hoping to make a great career out of it, is like asking God not to fuck you because you got Piles.

20. Brain of a call-center employee doesn’t have any partition. There is no left and right brain. Infact, I think, they have no brain because if they had a brain, would they have joined a call-center?

21. Call-center employee’s are like hard-core criminals who are accused of invading their own hole. If they try to leave the service industry and move to other profession, no one accepts them with open arms. Maximum they can do is clear CCNA certification and move to networking.

22. Over the years, call center employees develop special glands and senses in their ass.
They can tell the fibre and the thickness of form used to make the chair, by just sitting over it.

23. Working in a call center is an Insomniac way of saying, ‘I gotta Night Life’.

24. With time call center girls start looking like guys and guys start looking like gays. They hold each other pinkies and swing their arms <<<<< What do I say about this?

25. You can rename the term ‘Call center’ to the name of a Sunny Deol’s movie – ‘Jaal- The Trap’. Intially they pay well, but with time, you start paying for your wrong career choice.


How to spot a Call-center agent:

1. If you wear red shades like that of Anil ‘ Jhakassss’ Kapur of Mr. India, then you’ll probably see ‘L’ written on their forehead.

2. If you see someone online after 2am, he/she definitely works in a call-center.

3. If someone suddenly starts talking in a fake accent, as if someone is speaking while being constipated.... BINGO...... You spotted a Son-of-Telephone.

4. If someone says ‘Issue’ instead of ‘Problem’ ... Another loser.

5. Between Monday and Friday, if someone says I have a week-off, just chuckle and nod in agreement.


How to spot a HAPPY call-center employee:

When someone says he doesn’t work in call-center but instead works in a contact center or in service industry, well, you are lucky enough to spot a rare breed.
It’s like being optimistic and saying, ‘It’s not a hole. It’s just that I got less skin in my Ass.’ Cut the Crap DUDe

Myth-Busters:

1. No, Chetan Bhagat never worked in a Call-center. He did apply in one, but he couldn’t clear the ‘English writing’ round.

2. Call-center employee’s beliefs are fallacy. They believe they are actually doing a job but in reality, they are like those slaves, who were taken to West-Indies by the British to build roads. They are just cheap, easily available, unskilled labour who just knows ‘Angrezi’.


Things a Call center employee can do to improve his/her life

NOTHING

Didn’t you understand what I said above? Lemme say it again in an American accent ... NUTHIN


Call center employee’s career is like Bhagat Singh and call center’s are like Mahatma Gandhi... They can get you hanged.

" On a serious note, yes I have to be serious to sound politically correct, I just want say that you guys deserve much better in life as you are capable to achieve greater heights in your career. Call centers can be a better career option when you reach the level of a manager "

Guys, get back to calls. You are increasing the AHT


P.S.- I may be the biggest asshole god ever created ..... but even I get constipated. EPIC!!!!!    Now can you beat that?


                                                                                                                    J.Walia

Facts about Param Pujya, Satkaar jog Sri Sri Sri Pendu’s

D I S C L A I M E R: This article is meant to find the traces of Penduism in your ‘whisky-filled’ veins. Any resemblance to real persons or Dildo is purely intentional coincidental. This article doesn’t target any particular Person (It simply target's YOU), Caste (God is One), Creed (Huh??), Colour (of turban), Sex (only after marriage), place of Origin (uterus), Religion (Penduism for Life), Vehicle (Indica or Safari), Kurta Pajama (only white), Canada (I mean Kaneda) or even a pair of man boobs (I have them).
If you still feel offended after reading my article, then kindly consult your English teacher (If you ever had one). If you feel like punching me after going through my shit-coated mind, then you are definitely a Pendu. On the other hand, if you enjoy my writing, then you are on the last stage of Penduism. In any case, YOU ARE A PENDU and so am I.

The views expressed here are mine and do not reflect the official opinion of my neighbour, whose wireless Internet I accessed to publish this article.


Who the Fuck is a Pendu?

Pendu is a person who likes to fuck -----> his own Life.
Pendu is someone who has moulded the facts according to the comfort of his own Piles-affected Ass. Someone who is unable to segregate facts from fiction, just like CBI (Congress Bureau of Investigation)
A person, who always tries to pull someone down to his own standards, can very well be stamped as a Pendu.

In short, Pendu’s are not villagers. Pendu’s are failed semen of Marathi Manoos. Someone who thinks from his testicles, is referred to as a Pendu and the act of following the ideology of a Pendu is called Penduism.

You don’t have to live in a village to feel Pendu. You simply have to stop using your brain to become one.


The following points will help you decide if you're a Pendu or not.


1. Jattism is no religion. Sorry, to burst the bubble but that’s true. I am sure, some of you will be feeling bad after knowing this, but this is reality. Don’t believe me? Hmmmm... Have you ever heard of Guru Granth Sahib? If yes, then kindly read it and you won’t find a single reference to Jattism there. What you were following till now was Penduism. Try to follow Sikhism, Hinduism, or any other religion and you will definitely become a Human soon.

2. Three steps in the life of a stupid Pendu

• Get the hair chopped

• Go to Chandigarh

• Fly to Kaneda

3. ‘IELTS’ is a short-term course and not a diploma/degree which you keep on doing for years.

4. There are things above ‘BULT’ and ‘Open Jeep’. Standard Bullet with Alloys is not the Best. It’s the cheapest you Douche Bag.

5. Instead of girls, Pendu’s dream of Chandigarh. Given an opportunity to choose between sleeping with a Boy Girl and sleeping in Chandigarh, I’m sure they will select the latter. They actually go horny seeing the boats at Sukhna Lake.

6. NO WAY ... are Harbhajan Maan movies cool. They are simply kiddish.
In first half of the movie, he says ‘Maa, mera Kaneda jaan da nai jee karda’ and after the interval he wants to go to Canada ‘Bapuji, mein Kaneda jawanga’.
Every movie has same actors, only the turban change heads.

CUT THE CRAP man. Just dance like a lame-ass, sing your fudu song and let us all go home.

7. Driving a truck in Canada or a Cab in Australia holds no pride. Pride is working on the fields and feeding India.

8. Every girl’s name is NOT ‘Soneyo’

9. Twisting your moustache is cool. I mean, it’s your moustache. Twist it, curl it or shove it up. It’s up to you. But please don’t do it while passing cheesy comments to girls, whom you later end up making your sisters.

10. ‘Kurta Pajama’ is a good dress but PLEASE don’t wear it at discotheque or at someone’s marriage.
I know your Rs. 400 Kurta Pajama, Rs. 220 Punjabi jutti along with your Rs. 40 hair cut and on top of it, gel worth Rs.3 is a deadly combination, but it do have its limitations.

11. The fake ‘Ray-Ban’ glasses, which you buy from the hawkers at Sector-17, are easily recognizable.

12. Throughout the day they chant ‘Beere Beere’ (They mean ‘Veere’) instead of Waheguru.
Their favourite dialogue is ‘Bai ni u mera? ... Bai ni?’

13. Pendu’s eyes the girl of their own friend. I was once accused of stealing my friend’s girl, but that’s a whole different story.

14. They always arrive late at party but leave early because of a fight. They never fight alone. No NEVER. Actually they can never fight on their own. They need a battalion named '12 bore desi's' to beat a four-foot malnutritioned guy.

15. Every second guy in this world is their cousin. Only God knows how and why.

16. Now a day’s there are so many Pendu’s around, that I won’t be surprised if they demand a new state for themselves, PENDUSTAN, from their Almighty, Super Pendu (Level-Infinity) Parkash Singh Badal.

17. If any girl says “Hello” to a Pendu, she automatically becomes Bhabhi of his friends.

18. They have upgraded their briefs from Kachera to a Jockey but they still prefer Nara instead of Elastic.

19. Why do you modify the silencer of your bike so much that it sounds as if Om Puri has a bad throath?

20. No one is born Pendu, but everyone can die as a Pendu.



DONT’s

1. Don’t try to speak in English, when a God made creature with boobs is in front of you. First of all, you really suck in English. Infact, you also suck in Punjabi.
Girls like Punjabi speaking guys. Just stay connected to your roots and simply uproot the girl.

2. Don’t tell your parents that you are studying your ass out. Dude, you are doing a simple B.A. Even my dog is double M.A. and he also knows foreign language. When he barks, he sounds like ‘Meow, meow’.
So tell your parents that you are enjoying your life in Chandigarh before flying to your massi ji in Kaneda.

Don't fool your parents. God has already been unkind to them

3. Don't use B****C*** and MC as helping verbs to complete your sentence.

4. Don't argue with the waiter when he says that there is no Butter Chicken in a Chinese restaurant.

5. Don't call your Mobile service provider just to flirt with their Call girls. I mean, the girls who take the calls. Believe me, they don't know why your neighbour's bought 'Vodafone wala Kutta'.


Do’s

1. Please wash your hands after scratching your body’s vital organs.

2. Wear a T-shirt which is, for once, longer than your vest.


Pendu’s Laws of Living:

1. Every tractor in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external Bihari Bhaiya is applied to it.

2. The rate of change of Pendu’s life is proportional to the land his father has and goes in the direction of Kaneda.

3. For every action (twisting of moustache) there is an equal and opposite reaction (scratching of crotch).


Pendu’s are alive with a hope that one day they will see the MMS of Miss Pooja.


P.S. - 'Penduism' is a religion followed by all, acknowledged by none.


                                                                                                                  - J.Walia