An Open Letter to Sunny Leone

Dear Sri Sri Sri Sunny Le.One Ji

First of all, I’m thankful to your mother for giving birth to you, and to your father for lending her his Anmulle sperms. May god bless their departed souls and lure them with 72+72 virgins. They have no idea how much of a noble cause they have done for humanity by having sex 30 years ago. They didn’t sleep for one magical night and today, no one is able to sleep at nights - Few due to their jobs in call-centers and rest due to your religious and spiritual movies.

Secondly, thank you for coming to India. Now whenever my girlfriend goes through “Don’t Touch Me!” syndrome, I just tell her how good, perfect, professional, accurate and open-minded you’re in your movies and immediately she says, “Arre, mein toh mazaak kar rahi thi. Tum haath kya jo marzi lagao Jaaneman”.
Thank you very much. I owe you one penis.
You should have come to India before Diwali. Indians spend billions of rupees on getting their homes re-painted. Had you come a bit earlier, all the male members of the family would have painted the walls white. Free ki whitewash ho jati.

Since the day you entered India, average Indian penis size increased from 4.0” to 6.3”

Aapki shaan mein likhi kavitao ke majmooen se ek haqeer si kavita pesh kar raha hoon. Aapki nazar nawazi ka muntazir rahunga.
 

Sunny Leone… Aapke jaisa hai Kaun
Aap meri jungali billi, mein aapka Don
Aapki wajah se meine dekhni shuru ki Porn
Sunny Leone … Aapke jaisa hai Kaun

Aapki movies ne uda rakhi hai meri raaton ki Neendia
Aapki movies ko meine computer mein kar rakha hai Mr. India
Aap mehenga piyaaz, baki pornstars toh Bhindi-a
Saari Bollywood heroines aapke aage Chindi-a

Sunny Leone … Aapke jaisa hai Kaun
Meri GF banjar zameen, aap green Lawn
Whole world is thankful since the day you were Born
Sunny Leone … Aapke jaisa hai Kaun

Nasheeli aapki aakhein, Raseela aapka Badaan
You owe my Tan, Maan, Dhaan aur L…
Priya Rai aur  Silk Smitha, dono aapke aage Zero
In your next movie, I want to be the Lead Hero.

Sunny Leone … Aapke jaisa hai Kaun
You look good with or without a Thong
You’re Mother Teresa of Porn
Sunny Leone … Aapke jaisa hai Kaun

If ‘porn’ becomes a religion, you will be the goddess.

Hina Rabbani doesn’t even deserve to be your mistress. Poonam Pandey looks like Gai ka Gobar in front of you. You’re Aamir Khan of Sex, Shahrukh of Blowjobs, Salman of fake orgasm, and Sunny Deol of Kamasutra poses.
You’re Silk Smitha of world, Savita Bhabhi of Universe and Miss Pooja of seductive voices.

You’re the reason why my right wrist is rock solid.

You’re the reason why I turned MARD from a boy.

You’re the reason why the song, “Mere mehBOOB qayamat hogi” was made.

You’re the reason why Atal Bihari Vajpayee and Parkash Singh Badal are still alive.

You’re the reason Why this Kolaveri Di.

You’re the reason why the term ‘Apsara’ was coined.

You’re the reason why Silk Smitha committed suicide.

You’re the reason why I haven’t turned gay by now.

You’re the reason why the TV commercial “Kitna deti hai” was made.

You’re the reason why I love pussy cats.

You’re the reason why I sleep in my office and not at my place.

You’re the reason why Christopher Columbus thought America to be India. He always knew there is some connection, deep connection.

You’re the reason why I stopped missing Desibaba.com

You’re the reason why Indian public started purchasing colored screen phones and upgraded to a Broadband Internet connection.

You’re the reason why Sharad Pawar didn’t cry after getting slapped from Harvinder Singh. He knew if he would cry, it will create a bad impression on you.

You’re the reason why Harvinder Singh slapped Pawar because Singh knew Pawar is trying to create an impression on you.

You’re the reason why SRK is thinking to end his love relationship with Karan Johar and Arjun Rampal.

You’re the reason why I prefer my omelet Sunny side up.

You’re the reason why Indians started using tissue rolls.

After 9 months, there will be 100% population increase in India.

By just chanting your name 5 times, a man can ejaculate. You’re a natural cure for erectile dysfunction. I’m sure by now every Indian must have Googled, “Sunny Leone WITH clothes picx”. Best thing about you is that you look beautiful even in clothes.

Jab se aap aaye ho, India ki raatein bhi Sunny ho gayi hai.

I’m sure if your BF asks you whether you're a virgin, you’ll reply with a firm YES. #EveryGirlisSame

Sunny, I want to be your bitch.

P.S. - I typed the whole article with just one hand.     *wink*

                                                                                        - J.Walia

You can personally interact with me on my Facebook Page - J.Walia's Blog

An Open Letter to Hina Rabbani

Mere Jigar ke Tukde  HINA,

Aap ki shaan mein ek sher arz kar raha hoom, gaur farmaiye jara:

Tumhare mukh par lagi laali, tum HOLI lagti ho

Sar par li tumne chunni, tum bahut BHOLI lagti ho

Tum itni gori, itne cute, bilkul ROLLI-POLLI lagti ho

Neele suit mein maa kasaam, tum Viagra ki GOLI lagti ho

                                                 ……. Tum Viagra ki GOLI lagti ho!!

By the time you finish reading this letter; more than 754316786 Indians would’ve already masturbated thinking about you, every Indian Internet user would have googled “Hina Rabbani Nude picx”, thousands of Indians must have displayed your picture as their computer’s wallpaper, and in all probability, many would have even licked their computer screens.    YUMMY!!!!

Indians have welcomed you in a way that even Hanuman ji has never welcomed Virgin Atal Bihari Vajpayee. You’re to India what Miss Pooja is to Punjab. 

You’re the third best thing that came out of Pakistan after Punjabi Stage shows and Coke Studio.

Earlier whole India was starstruck by the beauty of Fatima Bhutto, but she is not even close to your Bra ki Mael (Dirt).

You’re Madhuri Dixit of Pakistan, Shakira of Bootywood, Pamela Anderson of Bobbiestan, Kim Kardashian of Assland, African penis of Orgasmwood and Salman Khan of fake English accent.

You’re to India what a Virgin girl is to Thailand.    Simply PRICELESS.

India has already gifted Sania Mirza to Pakistan, it’s high time we get something worthwhile in return. You come to India permanently and in return, we will give Kashmir to Pakistan.  In addition to that,  we will also gift Nepal and all its Chawkidars and Momo makers to Pakistan.

You’re the reason that no one is buying Shilajit and Japani tel in India, anymore. Practically, why would anyone need it if they can rise their building naturally?

You’re a Muslim, I’m a Sikh, and we both have so much in common. Apart from being the strongest, gutsiest in the world, we both are also the most hairiest, all thanks to the No-Shaving clause. It’s no hidden secret that the pleasure a Sikh can give to a woman, no one else can. If you don’t believe me then ask Manmohan Singh’s wife Sonia Gandhi Gursharan Kaur. Oh wait, ahhh….. Forget Gursharan, ask Hema Malini. Yehhhhh!!!!      So you can jump on my weiner and feel like home. I can be your Baharwala.

"You’re the only reason why the term MILF was invented."

As they say, at the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. After seeing your mesmerizing beauty, my penis heart has written a poem exhibiting my true love for you.

I'll be your Kucchi Poo
First let me touch you.

Let me do the bed Disco
Else India se Khisko

Banuga tera mein Tipu Sultan
Just give me my Santaan

Meri behn banegi humare bacho ki bua
Let's do oooooaaaaa OOOOO AAAAA

Banuga tere bacho ka mein daddy
Let's play bed Kabaddi

We will give you Kashmir
First let me draw your Nude tasveer

Aaja parh le pyaar ka ABCD
Mat kar mera tu KLPD

Vaigra kha kar baith hu, mat kar meri waste tu goli
Intention toh tu mere samajh he gayi hogi, itni bhi nahi hai tu bholi !!

Finally, it can be proved that Pakistan is exporting BOMB in India.

After seeing Fatima Bhutto and you, saala dushmano ko pyaar karne ka dil karta hai.

Thank you for Cumming coming to India, and for your tremendous beauty, I give you a Standing Dickvation.

I love you Jaan !!




India - Pakistan --> “Divided by Jinnah, united by Hina”

P.S. - You can personally interact with me on my Facebook Page - J.Walia's Blog

                        
                                                                                                            

                                                                                                         -  J.Walia

From Heaven with Love

Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Raheem, Assalaam-o-Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu

Allah is great and I’m late. Late Osama Bin Laden.

Finally, I’m DEAD. As dead as Fardeen Khan’s career. America took nearly 10 years to kill me. What a pity! ACP Pradyuman and his CID team would have done the job in merely an hour.

Frankly, I don’t know how Al-Qaeda grew so big. It was supposed to be just a bunch of dudes, growing beard, fucking camels, misinterpreting the Quran, and killing innocent people for fun while shouting Jihad-Jihad. I started killing people just to make them realize how it feels when they slaughter innocent goats. You see, I’m an animal lover. That’s why I love myself.
Killing people is like playing Angry Birds. You start with killing one, and you end up when there is left none. It’s kinda addictive.

I remember how I died. I was having a threesome with my maid and a baby camel when my 4^th wife came down shouting that the guys from the land of Pamela Anderson have come to kill me. I immediately wore Hijab to hide my identity and continued screwing the maid whom I got imported from India on recommendation of Shiney Ahuja. So these white niggers aka US Navy Seals crashed in my room and started firing. In no time I was dead. I think they spotted me because of my beard which was dangling out from the Hijab.
Hmmmm… What can I say!!! Shit Happens!

I was happy that finally I’ll get my share of 72 virgins. I always wanted them because whenever I asked my wife for sex, she gave me tons of excuses. Sometimes she had a headache, sometimes she were on her periods, once she even told me that her vagina is sleeping and it will wake up after 2 hours. She even made me hear her vagina snore.
I used to tell her that one day I’ll die and fuck 72 virgins. On hearing this she used to get possessive and then she used to allow me to finger fuck Sheila. BTW, Sheila is the name of my camel.

"72 virgins were the reason that kept me going for so long"

So after dying, I took a rickshaw to heaven. On reaching heaven I saw Saddam Hussein standing outside heaven’s door to welcome me. I immediately kissed him on the lips. As I entered heaven’s door, I saw Michael Jackson chasing Narad muni’s son while doing the moonwalk. I even saw Mahatma Gandhi in the arms of a naked body-builder.
I went ahead and saw a door which said ‘Virgins Villa’. Immediately my penis gave me a nod and I went inside.

As I entered the door I was greeted by Silk Smitha. She gave me some Shilajit tablets and Japani tel to apply. Suddenly lights went dim, soft music started playing and I got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night. But all my dreams got shattered and my penis went into hiding when those 72 virgins came and introduced themselves one after another. 

My version of virgins

Virgin No. 1: Mama goreya naal paange nai layede. Oh bund par dende ne!

Virgin No. 2: Guys just need one damn thing. Don’t ya?

Virgin No. 3: Are you a Sikh?

Virgin No. 4: Thank you for calling Technical support. My name is ……

Virgin No. 5: You’ll leave me after sex na?

Virgin No. 6: Hum yeh sab kuch shaadi ke baad karenge. Okay Sonu?

Virgin No. 7: Are you on Facebook?

Virgin No. 8: Mera naa Amarjot Kaur hai. Mein Chamkila di Randi si. Ohne meinu aate wangu gun ta si.

Virgin No. 9: I’m Rumenea from planet Pluto. I’m the little sister of Sabu. My vagina is on my neck.

Virgin No. 10: You smell like fish!

Virgin No. 11: Mere Karan Arjun aayenge. Dharti ka seena cheer kar aayenge.

Virgin No. 12: You’ve a dick but you behaved like a pussy. So if I have sex with you, will I be straight or lesbian?

Virgin No. 13: Mein sucking nahi karungi.

Virgin No. 14: Agar kagaz par mohor nahi lagegi toh kya Tara Pakistan nahi jayega Osama paaji!!!

Virgin No. 15: Ehna Wada?    Sardaara da te hunda he waada hai… Oh wait! You’re not a Sikh, are you?

Virgin No. 16: 1 2 3 GO…. Let’s try again. Ready Steady GO…. This ain’t going to stand erect tonight. Right?

Virgin No. 17: Oh baba!! Rabb da naa le. Eh kehre kaama ch peya hoya?

Virgin No. 18: Using a carrot doesn’t make me less of a virgin, right?    or a bottle, a candle, fingers, a mobile phone……………… baseball bat……… TATA NANO!!!

Virgin No. 19: So, do you remove your turban or keep it on while having sex?

Virgin No. 20: I’ve AIDS, Let’s fuck!

Virgin No. 21: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Virgin No. 22: I can put a condom on your penis with my mouth. Amazing, Huh??

Virgin No. 23: Sucking ke extra lagenge

Virgin No. 24: Am I looking fat?

Virgin No. 25: Haha.. Virgin No. 24 is really fat. Isn’t she?

Virgin No. 26: No kissing on lips.

Virgin No. 27: Yuck!

Virgin No. 28: Abba jaan, aap?

Virgin No. 29: I’m saving myself for Jesus.

Virgin No. 30: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?

Virgin No. 31: Mein pose nahi banaugi

Virgin No. 32: LMAO! You got only one testicle.

Virgin No. 33: I bet you can’t get an erection. C’mon, impress me. Show me your Qutub Minar. Show me naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Virgin No. 34: Yes, I color my pubic hair pink. Don’t judge me you camel-wiener-sucker!

Virgin No. 35: Wow! Same to same. Even I have a penis. Let’s have a sword fight.

Virgin No. 36: You like my breasts? I got three of them. One is on my back. See!!!

Virgin No. 37: I’m just Virgin No. 37 to you, right?

Virgin No. 38: You know what? I really cried when Mihir died and left Tulsi alone.

Virgin No. 39: I can fart and sneeze at the same time. Let me show you…

Virgin No. 40:      . . . so I meet Rob, and he goes, “So where have you been?” and I go, “I’ve been busy lately,” so he goes, “So what do you do” and I was like . . …………. And his dick is bigger than ……… He showed me Justin Bieber’s butt pic…… FUCK ME ROB, FUCK ME HARD…….. I hate Him, I simply hate Rob…. All guys are same……………       *snoring* Osama, you there?

Virgin No. 41: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.

Virgin No. 42: Is that a camel’s teeth marks on your penis?

Virgin No. 43: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law.

Virgin No. 44: Tum bhi salwar daalte ho?  Khi khi khi

Virgin No. 45: As the Joker said, “If u r good at something, never do it for free.”

Virgin No. 46: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!

Virgin No. 47: Haye, untareya ne aakh te goli maar chade. Kaana kar ta. Hun tu Maharaja Ranjit Singh lagda ae. Hayee!

Virgin No. 48: I’m Gandhi. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi.  Now that the whole world knows I was a Gay, let’s do a sexual dandi march. Hand me your danda, and then you can finger fuck me.

Virgin No. 49: Say you love me. Say na!!

Virgin No. 50: This isn’t a video game, son.

Virgin No. 51: That was terrible. I should have listened to other virgins.

Virgin No. 52: Let me call Saddam. We will have threesome.

Virgin No. 53: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!

Virgin No. 54: Fasten your turban. It's going to be a bumpy night.

Virgin No. 55: You look like my son.

Virgin No. 56: Aslam walekum. Benazir Bhutto ka Salaam kabul kijea. Actually heaven is running short of virgins, so they called me. I got my hymen rebuilt. Now my vagina is as fresh as dew.

Virgin No. 57: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.

Virgin No. 58: Why so serious?

Virgin No. 59: Lol! Even I know that’s tiny.

Virgin No. 60: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.

Virgin No. 61: Haha.. You wear Diapers. Lol… Oh wait! Is that a sanitary pad?

Virgin No. 62: Simon Go Back.

Virgin No. 63: I’m KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKiran.

Virgin No. 64: I’m a Ladyboy from Thailand. Let me bang your kok.

Virgin No. 65: Why is every guy’s testicle bag wrinkled?

Virgin No. 66: Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai.. Dekhna hai zor kitna Penis-e-Osama mein hai.

Virgin No. 67: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?

Virgin No. 68: Tumhare gupt aango mein Daad, Khaj, Khujli toh nahi hoti?

Virgin No. 69: Hurry! My parents will be back soon.

Virgin No. 70: Yanna Rascala. Mind it!

Virgin No. 71: Hayeee!!! Paapi pet ke liye kya kya karna padta hai

Virgin No. 72: I’m Mother Teresa.

Heaven doesn't have camels. Can you believe that?  
But they surely have dogs     *wink*

Virgins?? My foot. Their pussies were wider than the India Gate. Some were as flat-chested as a cricket pitch. Even Asif Ali Zardari has bigger man boobs than some of those behenji’s.

After meeting the so called virgins, I felt as if I wasted my life. Sigh!









Heaven is just a misspelled HELL!!

In the end, I would like to say sorry to my Sikh brothers. Due to me they got their asses kicked on several occasions in America. I know I look a bit like Sikhs, but we are different. I respect them a lot. I even bought my white turban from ‘Singh Turban House’ in Lahore.

FYI: I was even approached to be the brand ambassador of Simco hair fixer.     *Honoured*

If I analyze my life, I think ki penchod mein apna fudu aap he khichwa leya.!!!


Got to go now. A new martyr has come, and these heaven guys have asked me to be the "Virgin" for him.


Tuhada Chacha,

Osama ................... and I was NOT a SIKH.

I think I died because I was not wearing GTM Teleshopping's NAZAR SURAKSHA KAWACH.        *facepalm*



                                                                                                               - J.Walia

An Open Letter to my Future Wife

Sohneyo, Maan-mohneyo, Makhan de duneo

First of all, if your boy-friend is touching you here and there and god knows where-where, tell that Shilajit consumer to STOP, you fucking whore.

You girls first ask us to measure the depth of your holes, and then you all say, “Sab ladke ek jaise hote hai”. WTF!! How Diplomatic!! Kya koi jabardasti karta hai? And how in this non-virgin world do you know about so called ‘Sab ladke’? How many guys have you been with?

Yaar, mujhe ek baat aaj tak samajh nahi aayi, why do girls always say that guys need only one thing? Kya hai woh cheez, aaj bata he do.... Girls, you took our name, you took our clothes, you took our style, our hairstyle, our drinking habbits etc. and all we ever took was a hole, aur tum bura maan gayi... Kya yaar!

"The one thing that every guy wants is TRUE LOVE."   Do you girls have that to give?

This “Sab ladke ek jaise hote hai” theory has travelled down centuries by aunties who either never got laid like Dolly Bindra, or got laid too often like Savita Bhabhi.

FYI: Girls have two minds. One is given by God (which is unnecessary and adds to their weight) and the second one which they develop on their own. The second mind contains all the words of wisdom which they gather from their roommates, PG girls and fat, disfigured aunties.

BLOODY BITCHES!

(Keep calm. Stay calm. Count to 10.     1, 2, 3, 4, 5,  Bobby Darling, 7, 8,  1.5 times Bobby darling, 10…. Take deep breaths)

I’m sorry ji, thora gussa aa gaya tha. My last GF used to say that sometimes I behave like Nana Patekar of Agnisakshi. No, I’m not a woman-beater, absolutely not. What she really meant was that I get angry faster than Yuvraj Singh changes his girlfriend. Hmmmm.. See, if you’re lusting/loving/fucking other guys behind my back, I won’t give you a Nobel Prize. Obviously, I’ll get angry. So, if I would ever be angry with you, it will be for your own good. Remember that always.

Imaging you with someone else is more than my gentle heart can bear. It’s like being Sri Lanka or Pakistan and watch India lift the Cricket World Cup. It’s like being Salman Khan and watch Katrina’s boobs being fondled by Bollywood’s bad man Gulshan Grover. Talking of Katrina, do you know when her MMS kaand is coming out?

How stupid of me. Since you’re a girl, how would you know? Like 3 billion of your fellow females, you would’ve also never watched a porn movie. I know that very well. And like 3 billion of your fellow liars, you must be a virgin too.

God is great. I don't know how but I always end up with a girl who is so innocent that she refers to a penis as toto, has never watched a porn movie, needless to say is a virgin, and thinks that Bhagwaan ji sends a fairy who drops the baby in a basket outside the house. Wow! Lucky me!

I'm sure you'll be more pure than Tulsi-Mihir rishta.

“A girl has the power to convince the guy that she is virgin even if she is married twice and has 5 kids.”

As I was saying, if he tries to touch you, shoot the deadliest arrow girls have --> “Sab-Kuch-Karenge-Shaadi-Ke-Baad”. Since you will be my future wife, so ultimately you'll get married to me and hence, that son of Tharki-India will be tackled....... Kalol..... Me clever na!?     :)

I HOPE [How Often People Expect] that you remain virgin till the time I get your boat explores its maiden journey in my waters. Finding a virgin seems more unrealistic than India topping the medal tally in Olympics. But as I said, I just HOPE. There is no compulsion. If the boat has already sailed in some other waters, then nothing could be done, par aapki kashti ko kinare mein he lagaunga. If not you, then I hope your sister aka my saali aka aadhi gharwali is a kancha maal aka virgin.

FACT: In today's world finding a 18+ virgin girl is as impossible as going back in time and saving Bhagat Singh.

JOKE TIME:  Ques. What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

                          Ans.   BLOWJOB

Haha, lol, Khi khi. See, I’m funny. I can make you laugh even while having sex, largely because of my inexperienced moves.

BTW, may I call you Gulabo?  Gulabo is the Punjabi virgin version of pink-y. The best part of a woman’s body should have a tinge of pink.

Gulabo, I feel sorry for you that you’ll get married to me. I know your old BF’s were all chikna’s, clean-shaven with 6 pack Abs, and seeing the trend that all Sikhs are getting their hair chopped, your ailing mother and father’s aakhiri qawaish would be to make you marry a guy who at least sports a turban no matter if he works in a call-center.
I, Jorawar Singh Walia, herby feel pity for you.

Did you know: Kissing a Sikh on his lips is more like licking hair.     Adjust kar lena ji.


SETTING EXPECTATIONS:

1.      I sometimes behave like a child. I might even demand to drink milk directly from your breasts. That’s the way I’m. You need to deal with it. You need to be patient with me. More patient than a dead body.

2.      NEVER disconnect my call. I hate it. I hate it more than Pakistan hates peace. I hate it more than a penis hates the touch of its owner’s hand. I hate it more than a girl hates all other girls, especially the beautiful ones. I hate it more than my Ex-GF’s husband hates me. I SIMPLY HATE IT!!

3.      I’m lazy, I don’t like going to social gatherings, I don’t do any household work, I watch Saas-Bahu serials and YOU have to wash my underwear.

4.      I work in a call-center, and if you ever divorce me for that, I forgive you upfront.

Gulabo, my mind is a mystery. You’ll never be able to understand me completely. Just keep it simple. Just be my Rebecca Black and I’ll be your Justin Bieber. We both will be silly fuckheads, forever.

I wish I find your G-spot as easily as Sachin finds a century in the cricket field.


On a serious note: Thanks for waiting for me. I promise you won't regret it.

Tuhada te sirf tuhada

Joru  (Haye Rabba, meinu sharan aundi ae)



                                                                                                     - J.Walia