My tears

My Tears .... Some stay back, some roll down
                              Some I am ashamed of, some are my crown.
                              Some curse me, some bless me
                              Some are my protector, some undress me.

                              Some make me silly, some make me proud.
                              Some make me realize I am alone in the crowd.
                              Some wander around b'coz they feel lonely in the eye,
                              Some free themselves, just to ask me the question WHY


My Tears .... I once tasted them, they were bit salty,
                              On the way down they said that I am faulty.
                              Many times they make me realize my mistake,
                              They are the first to tell me - 'Give life a second Take'.

                              My tears are my mirror to this counterfeit world
                              They reflect the image of the society still unheard.
                              They show me a true path and work as a Myth- breaker,
                              They have their own manipulated mind, they work as a story creator.


My Tears .... I take them positively and see them as a weight loss
                              I cut short their journey and show them Who's the Boss.
                              They sarcastically tell me that Life can take a Toss
                              They simply don't leave ur eye, they come out for a cause.

                              Some say that the tear is the best armour of a woman
                              Some say that the tear is an indication of a bad omen.
                              But I feel that the tear is a Blessing in disguise,
                              They also force you to compromise with Life.


My Tears .... Even they cry ... They request me to atleast try
                              When I start sobbing, even they run dry.
                              Sometimes Life take its toll, I cry for no reason at all
                              I pity my tears as they have to bear the burden of my down fall

                              See ... they have started coming out again
                              They are the first one to realize my pain.
                              They console me, they don't let my sacrifices go in vain
                              They die for me without having any personal gain.

Now I have started fearing when I see my tear,
I can't see myself in pain, I simply can't bear.
I am proud of my tears, they are my pearl
My mom says I cry like a Little girl.


My tears keep me grounded, it retains my sanity,
I cry for others, it proves my humanity.
My tears are my teachers, they gives me a silent explanation
My tears are my friends, they are my own 'soul search engine'.


                                                                            - J. Walia

Decoding Relationships

DISCLAIMER: This post will seem very real. You’ll deny all the allegations but your partner will agree with me. Reading this post is like hitting your own nuts. Some will feel the pain and some won’t find them there.

"Relationship is like a ship which will either sink like Titanic or will be hijacked by Somali pirates."

Relationships started when no one knew the literal meaning of them. Look at horny ‘Adam’ and bewafa ‘Eve’. Those dumbfucks, inspiration to Birth control pill, God’s answer to ‘Shilajit’ had no idea what they’re up to, yet they have more than 6 billion children. Don’t say Oh FUCK!!!! It will add few more to the tally.
Later on relationships were nicely defined as ‘Meeting of souls’ by few ass-holes whose own daughters said, ‘Fuck, you dad’ and in return they said, ‘Happy Daughter’s day’.
Then came the era when "Abhishek Bachchan" arrived on this earth in his Drona outfit. All the guys who liked him automatically turned Gay and all those girls who found him sexy turned Lesbian overnight. Indian Penal court de-criminalised homosexuality in India and Karan Johar hugged SRK 377 times while Arjun Rampal watched them with tears in his pants eyes. Alright, I made up the Karan-SRK-Arjun trimurti, but Baba Ramdev asked me to do so. Had I not done it, he threatened me of dire consequences of watching him perform some yoga posture in which he lifts his ass and swings it like a boomerang.

Thanks to my un-employment and the inner desire to destroy my own life, I started watching India’s number 1 tele-serial ‘Balika Vadhu’. I've learnt one thing from it. No matter if the girl is 10 years old who still sucks her thumb and collects the lint from her navel, ALWAYS MARRY A GIRL.

Even if you’re a girl, then also marry a girl. Later on you both can have an affair with me...... I'm serious.

Over the years I have felt, saw, said, read, observed, wrote, conceptualised, visualised, and even heard my own pre-paid GF saying different things about other girls and guys. All I can say is that if you want to have a so called “Good, healthy relationship”, then read the below mentioned points and follow them religiously (Dera Sacha Sauda is not a religion) to experience a more satisfied relationship.

GIRLS: When a guy says that he like the way you walk.... In simple English he means that he like the way your cheeks twist when you move. FUCK IT. He likes your ASS.
When he says he like your T-shirt, he means your ...... You know what I mean.
When he says he like the way you speak, dress, shit etc..... He means he wants to Fraaandship with you.

GUYS: When a girl says she like your jeans. She means it’s better than her brother’s.
When she says she like the way you speak, dress, and scratch your crotch.... Don’t get excited. She says the same thing to every other guy so that in return she can assemble few compliments for herself.


GIRLS: Please don’t try to talk intellectually and don’t get excited when we nod in agreement. We nod because when we do so our eyes, along with our head, moves down and we are able to catch a glance of your breasts. AS SIMPLE AS THAT.

GUYS: Don’t think that girls don’t know when you see their assets. They actually want you to see them. REALLY!!!!


GIRLS: Guys got more than  _ _ N _ _      (I mean moNey)

GUYS: Girls got more than Boobs. She also got  _ _ _ _ _      “HEART”             *clears his throat*


GIRLS: Guys have two senses:

1. Hunger
2. Horny

If you’re not eating them, then make something for them to eat.

GUYS: Girls have two minds ... One given by God (which is unnecessary and adds to their weight) and the second one which they develop on their own... The second mind contains all the words of wisdom which they gather from their roommates, PG girls and fat, disfigured Aunties.


GIRLS: Please try to pay sometimes for a lunch or a movie. We earn as much as you do PLUS the Indian government deducts less tax from your salary. So ideally, you should pay as you also get a free ride in our car. But paying once in 100 times can still make our pockets feel better. If Rahul Roy can become a Tiger on a full moon night, you can also pay sometimes.

GUYS: If she is not paying, then she is using you. If she is not using you and still not paying, then you are getting used on your own. If you are getting used and later at night ..... Ohhh Ahhhh Ouucccchhh, then its okay my brother from another mother.


GIRLS: When we say don’t talk to that Guy, WE ARE NOT GETTING POSSESIVE. That guy thinks that you got 4 eyes. Two where they are supposed to be, and two on your chest. So try to understand our indications.

GUYS: If a girl asks you not to talk to a particular girl, then she is definitely getting possessive. Simply enjoy the moment.


GIRLS: Your Guy was, is, and will never be the BEST, but the worst part is that you make us realise that on our very first fight over SMS being delivered late. C’mon girl. Don’t make me feel low. Just talk to God Damn Airtel customer care.

GUYS: Your girl was, is, and will never be the BEST. You know it, the whole world knows it and even she knows it. Just don’t tell her all by yourself.


GIRLS: If you are looking for a perfect guy, then you’re on the wrong planet.

GUYS: If you’re looking for a perfect girl, then go get yourself a freaking Barbie doll.


GIRLS: Never compare your guy with your best friend Sunita’s BF. I know her guy is better than yours but isn’t she better than you? You know Sunita is hotter, sexier and more open-minded than you because you must have seen her naked..... Don’t you girls roam naked in front of each other?         If No, then WHY NOT?

Also never compare your guy with the guy you saw in the porn movie during your last girl’s night out. You know the reason.

GUYS: DON’T compare your girl with anyone, not even with your neighbour’s girl. You simply know your neighbour’s girl is better.


GIRLS: Your ex-BF was not, your current guy is nowhere near, and your future husband will never be a so called “True Gentlemen” .... DEAL WITH IT.

GUYS: Your ex-blood sucking Vampire was not, your current sweetheart is nowhere near, and your future-destroyer will never be the hottest, richest or simply the BEST girl that you can ever get. .... Let’s feel Sorry for each other.


GIRLS: If it itches, IT WILL BE >>> scratched.

GUYS: It definitely itches, but she won’t scratch.


GIRLS are definitely not >>> GIRL: God’s Inferior and Rejected Lot

GUYS are definitely >>> GUYS: God’s Unique and Youthful Soul



DONT's in a Relationship

1. Don’t check your partner’s mobile phone

NO NO NO       NEVER  ji  NEVER

A guy’s phone will contain some latest MMS kand and the girl’s phone will have all the messages of her ex-BF and of all the guys who religiously wish her Good Morning and Good Night.

2. If you’re a guy and your girl is fat, tell her that you like meaty girls. If she is skinny, then tell her that you like your cat with no fat. If you can also say “Meow Meow” that would be wonderful.

3. Every girl says that she has never seen porn and no guy have ever touched her before. Guys, you know she is lying but don’t tell her. Just make a fuck-face as if you are very overwhelmed. Simply fake it because this is what she does when she is in bed with you.

4. Girls: Never ask your BF not to go out with his friends because you know he won’t obey you and you’ll be left sulking.
Guys: Never ask your GF who dropped her home from work. She’ll never understand that guys are rascals who maro-fy a chance on every girl. She'll say that you don't trust her enough and BLAH BLAH BLAH and in the end you'll be left cribbing.



How to get FIJIKAL?

Every girl wants to indulge in a FIJIKAL (Punjabi touch to Physical) relationship with her guy..... It’s how you approach her.

a. If you say you want to involve with her physically, she will nod thrice in her imagination like that of Ranbir Kapur in Pepsi Youngistan commercial, but just to project herself as Sati-Savetri she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”

b. If you say, “I think YOU want to have sex with me”, she will think God Damnit, he loves me so much that he can read my eyes and she will blow an imaginary Yipppeee punch in the air, but instead she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”

c. If you, like a true gentleman, say, ‘I think we both should take this relationship to the next level’..... She will think, ‘Bloody Loser, you wasted my 15 days’ and she will give an astonishing, surprised expression like that of the lady in Tide commercial but instead she will say, “Ladko ko toh bas ek cheez he chahiye”

Question of the Millenium: Kya hai yeh ‘Ek Cheez’ jo har ladke ko chahiye?

Let me answer it once and for all. The one thing which a guy asks for is TRUE LOVE. Do you have it?


How to have a GOOD RELATIONSHIP?

YOU CAN’T...... NEVER

In short, every relationship will fail. Make sure your Love doesn’t.


Yesterday’s girls liked stability, guys liked mobility
Today’s girls like mobility and guys like stability
Tomorrow’s girls will like mobility and stability along with understanding, money and guys will turn GAY (God’s asynchronous Youth)

Girls need tall, rich, rugged, rough, 'popular-in-girls' boy-friend but are ready to marry a small, dark, clumsy Guy who has a GOOD, white-collared, 9-5 job ..... GIRLS ALWAYS FALLS FOR BAD GUY BUT SETTLES WITH a 'settled guy'.... I think it’s time to become Swami Nityananda.


P.S.: Girls, standing and peeing is difficult. We make it look easy with years of practice.




                                                                                                                -J.Walia

Hello ji Hello

Disclaimer: NONE

Prologue: I have myself worked in Dell technical support for 33 months. So whatever you read in this granth about call-center is true and accurate as per my knowledge (which is not much)

To whomsoever it may concern........................ but certainly not you. YES, NOT YOU

Call center is a place where a customer either calls or he receives a call from. So in simple words, call center is a PIMP but it doesn’t supply girls (or maybe it does. I really don’t know).
Similarly, a call center agent is a person who either calls or receives a call. So basically they are like a receptionist, but with non-silicon boobs and covered legs.

Call center is like a fish net. Initially it looks attractive but once in, there is no escape route. Fresh out from a college on a 135 CC bike or Kinetic Honda, many join call centers in their tender age when they are in a pre-puberty stage. Almost everyone joins a call center to get some give bucks, so that they can buy good clothes, party around and if possible, get laid.

Guys join a call center to Patao-fy girls (Like I did) and girls join a call center to leave their BF’s (Like my girl did)

There are three types of people in this ‘America-dominating-China-exporting’ world:

1. Horny

2. Hungry

3. Call center employees (CCE- Crap career experience)






If you wanna know more about call center employees then look down. Not your crotch, Idiot.


1. Their pronunciation is worst. They pronounce pronunciation as pro-noun-cia-tion. I myself said Michael instead of Michelle.

2. They don’t understand a single fucking word of a Rock or RAP song but they do bang their heads as if they are the biggest nigger‘s around. They open www.lyrics.com and read the lyrics to lip-sync.

3. They are the biggest Industry trained liar’s on the face of our Mother earth. With time they even lose each and every sense from their body. After few years they can’t even differentiate the smell coming from a call center's cafe and a fart.

4. Many times Americans abuse us but we just laugh it off not because they can screw our country by bombing us, but for a simple reason that we don’t understand a thick slang.

5. Managers are filthy. They are the horniest of creatures around. If a girl misses a cab, the manager goes and picks her up. If a guy misses his cab, manager simply gets a cab arranged. I know every employee is nodding and every manager is frowning.

6. Support system: We have 10-12 colleagues in a team, a resolution expert, a troubleshooting supervisor, a call-back supervisor, Manager (absolutely of no use), a special department which does RnD on issues, Internal troubleshooting tools, we get proper training on every aspect, we can also take help from anyone on the floor plus we have GOOGLE...... Still we’re unable to resolve customer’s issue. Sorry my rich American friend’s. We are not as intelligent as you think. Our brains are either wrapped with turban or the hairless scalp is roasted under sun.

It’s a myth that we Indians are intelligent. Okay, a couple of South Indian’s are but the remaining population is as confused and helpless as Indian cricket team is in front of cheer-leaders.

7. The accent which you think or show of Indians in your movies is absolutely correct except for North Indians. We, North Indian’s, are superior in looks, style, dressing sense, accent and most importantly show-off’s. We are fukara’s.

8. A call-center employee is a loser who is well paid. Seriously, even Baba Ramdev will agree with me. See, he is expressing his agreement by blinking his eye.

9. In a call center, every second guy has man-boobs and every second girl doesn’t have boobs. I guess this is what film-maker, B.R. Chopra, meant when he made the movie ‘Insaaf ka Tarazu'.

10. When I joined Dell, they said a line straight out of Shakespeare’s play, ‘No two days in Dell is same’. BITCH, I sulked for 33 months there and every single day I did the same work like crapping in the morning.

11. Every call-center girl has a BF. This is a 100% reality based on my phone survey with my other call-center friends. Even the ugliest of chick gets laid in a call-center.

12. GIRLS do get easy and quick promotion as compared to boys in ‘Mecca of Telephones’..... Don’t believe me? Ask any call-center girl.

13. A DOG can still be read as GOD if reversed, but a call center employee will always be a call center employee, if not by profession then by mind. It's irreversible.

14. Never marry a call-center employee for a simple reason that he/she is a call-center employee.

15. The more you know a Call-center employee, the more you know about educated illiterates and poor money-makers.

16. Parents of a Call-center employee are initially ashamed that their child works in a call center, but with time they get use to constant nagging of their relatives and Mrs. Samay (Wife of legendary ‘Mein Samay Hoon’ of Mahabharat’s fame) that the parents eventually stop feeling ashamed of being ashamed.

17. Every Call-centre employee have dark circles, and I’m not talking about the one’s which are under the eyes.

18. There is ‘No free Lunch’.... Not even in a Call-center.

19. Working in a Call-center and hoping to make a great career out of it, is like asking God not to fuck you because you got Piles.

20. Brain of a call-center employee doesn’t have any partition. There is no left and right brain. Infact, I think, they have no brain because if they had a brain, would they have joined a call-center?

21. Call-center employee’s are like hard-core criminals who are accused of invading their own hole. If they try to leave the service industry and move to other profession, no one accepts them with open arms. Maximum they can do is clear CCNA certification and move to networking.

22. Over the years, call center employees develop special glands and senses in their ass.
They can tell the fibre and the thickness of form used to make the chair, by just sitting over it.

23. Working in a call center is an Insomniac way of saying, ‘I gotta Night Life’.

24. With time call center girls start looking like guys and guys start looking like gays. They hold each other pinkies and swing their arms <<<<< What do I say about this?

25. You can rename the term ‘Call center’ to the name of a Sunny Deol’s movie – ‘Jaal- The Trap’. Intially they pay well, but with time, you start paying for your wrong career choice.


How to spot a Call-center agent:

1. If you wear red shades like that of Anil ‘ Jhakassss’ Kapur of Mr. India, then you’ll probably see ‘L’ written on their forehead.

2. If you see someone online after 2am, he/she definitely works in a call-center.

3. If someone suddenly starts talking in a fake accent, as if someone is speaking while being constipated.... BINGO...... You spotted a Son-of-Telephone.

4. If someone says ‘Issue’ instead of ‘Problem’ ... Another loser.

5. Between Monday and Friday, if someone says I have a week-off, just chuckle and nod in agreement.


How to spot a HAPPY call-center employee:

When someone says he doesn’t work in call-center but instead works in a contact center or in service industry, well, you are lucky enough to spot a rare breed.
It’s like being optimistic and saying, ‘It’s not a hole. It’s just that I got less skin in my Ass.’ Cut the Crap DUDe

Myth-Busters:

1. No, Chetan Bhagat never worked in a Call-center. He did apply in one, but he couldn’t clear the ‘English writing’ round.

2. Call-center employee’s beliefs are fallacy. They believe they are actually doing a job but in reality, they are like those slaves, who were taken to West-Indies by the British to build roads. They are just cheap, easily available, unskilled labour who just knows ‘Angrezi’.


Things a Call center employee can do to improve his/her life

NOTHING

Didn’t you understand what I said above? Lemme say it again in an American accent ... NUTHIN


Call center employee’s career is like Bhagat Singh and call center’s are like Mahatma Gandhi... They can get you hanged.

" On a serious note, yes I have to be serious to sound politically correct, I just want say that you guys deserve much better in life as you are capable to achieve greater heights in your career. Call centers can be a better career option when you reach the level of a manager "

Guys, get back to calls. You are increasing the AHT


P.S.- I may be the biggest asshole god ever created ..... but even I get constipated. EPIC!!!!!    Now can you beat that?


                                                                                                                    J.Walia

Facts about Param Pujya, Satkaar jog Sri Sri Sri Pendu’s

D I S C L A I M E R: This article is meant to find the traces of Penduism in your ‘whisky-filled’ veins. Any resemblance to real persons or Dildo is purely intentional coincidental. This article doesn’t target any particular Person (It simply target's YOU), Caste (God is One), Creed (Huh??), Colour (of turban), Sex (only after marriage), place of Origin (uterus), Religion (Penduism for Life), Vehicle (Indica or Safari), Kurta Pajama (only white), Canada (I mean Kaneda) or even a pair of man boobs (I have them).
If you still feel offended after reading my article, then kindly consult your English teacher (If you ever had one). If you feel like punching me after going through my shit-coated mind, then you are definitely a Pendu. On the other hand, if you enjoy my writing, then you are on the last stage of Penduism. In any case, YOU ARE A PENDU and so am I.

The views expressed here are mine and do not reflect the official opinion of my neighbour, whose wireless Internet I accessed to publish this article.


Who the Fuck is a Pendu?

Pendu is a person who likes to fuck -----> his own Life.
Pendu is someone who has moulded the facts according to the comfort of his own Piles-affected Ass. Someone who is unable to segregate facts from fiction, just like CBI (Congress Bureau of Investigation)
A person, who always tries to pull someone down to his own standards, can very well be stamped as a Pendu.

In short, Pendu’s are not villagers. Pendu’s are failed semen of Marathi Manoos. Someone who thinks from his testicles, is referred to as a Pendu and the act of following the ideology of a Pendu is called Penduism.

You don’t have to live in a village to feel Pendu. You simply have to stop using your brain to become one.


The following points will help you decide if you're a Pendu or not.


1. Jattism is no religion. Sorry, to burst the bubble but that’s true. I am sure, some of you will be feeling bad after knowing this, but this is reality. Don’t believe me? Hmmmm... Have you ever heard of Guru Granth Sahib? If yes, then kindly read it and you won’t find a single reference to Jattism there. What you were following till now was Penduism. Try to follow Sikhism, Hinduism, or any other religion and you will definitely become a Human soon.

2. Three steps in the life of a stupid Pendu

• Get the hair chopped

• Go to Chandigarh

• Fly to Kaneda

3. ‘IELTS’ is a short-term course and not a diploma/degree which you keep on doing for years.

4. There are things above ‘BULT’ and ‘Open Jeep’. Standard Bullet with Alloys is not the Best. It’s the cheapest you Douche Bag.

5. Instead of girls, Pendu’s dream of Chandigarh. Given an opportunity to choose between sleeping with a Boy Girl and sleeping in Chandigarh, I’m sure they will select the latter. They actually go horny seeing the boats at Sukhna Lake.

6. NO WAY ... are Harbhajan Maan movies cool. They are simply kiddish.
In first half of the movie, he says ‘Maa, mera Kaneda jaan da nai jee karda’ and after the interval he wants to go to Canada ‘Bapuji, mein Kaneda jawanga’.
Every movie has same actors, only the turban change heads.

CUT THE CRAP man. Just dance like a lame-ass, sing your fudu song and let us all go home.

7. Driving a truck in Canada or a Cab in Australia holds no pride. Pride is working on the fields and feeding India.

8. Every girl’s name is NOT ‘Soneyo’

9. Twisting your moustache is cool. I mean, it’s your moustache. Twist it, curl it or shove it up. It’s up to you. But please don’t do it while passing cheesy comments to girls, whom you later end up making your sisters.

10. ‘Kurta Pajama’ is a good dress but PLEASE don’t wear it at discotheque or at someone’s marriage.
I know your Rs. 400 Kurta Pajama, Rs. 220 Punjabi jutti along with your Rs. 40 hair cut and on top of it, gel worth Rs.3 is a deadly combination, but it do have its limitations.

11. The fake ‘Ray-Ban’ glasses, which you buy from the hawkers at Sector-17, are easily recognizable.

12. Throughout the day they chant ‘Beere Beere’ (They mean ‘Veere’) instead of Waheguru.
Their favourite dialogue is ‘Bai ni u mera? ... Bai ni?’

13. Pendu’s eyes the girl of their own friend. I was once accused of stealing my friend’s girl, but that’s a whole different story.

14. They always arrive late at party but leave early because of a fight. They never fight alone. No NEVER. Actually they can never fight on their own. They need a battalion named '12 bore desi's' to beat a four-foot malnutritioned guy.

15. Every second guy in this world is their cousin. Only God knows how and why.

16. Now a day’s there are so many Pendu’s around, that I won’t be surprised if they demand a new state for themselves, PENDUSTAN, from their Almighty, Super Pendu (Level-Infinity) Parkash Singh Badal.

17. If any girl says “Hello” to a Pendu, she automatically becomes Bhabhi of his friends.

18. They have upgraded their briefs from Kachera to a Jockey but they still prefer Nara instead of Elastic.

19. Why do you modify the silencer of your bike so much that it sounds as if Om Puri has a bad throath?

20. No one is born Pendu, but everyone can die as a Pendu.



DONT’s

1. Don’t try to speak in English, when a God made creature with boobs is in front of you. First of all, you really suck in English. Infact, you also suck in Punjabi.
Girls like Punjabi speaking guys. Just stay connected to your roots and simply uproot the girl.

2. Don’t tell your parents that you are studying your ass out. Dude, you are doing a simple B.A. Even my dog is double M.A. and he also knows foreign language. When he barks, he sounds like ‘Meow, meow’.
So tell your parents that you are enjoying your life in Chandigarh before flying to your massi ji in Kaneda.

Don't fool your parents. God has already been unkind to them

3. Don't use B****C*** and MC as helping verbs to complete your sentence.

4. Don't argue with the waiter when he says that there is no Butter Chicken in a Chinese restaurant.

5. Don't call your Mobile service provider just to flirt with their Call girls. I mean, the girls who take the calls. Believe me, they don't know why your neighbour's bought 'Vodafone wala Kutta'.


Do’s

1. Please wash your hands after scratching your body’s vital organs.

2. Wear a T-shirt which is, for once, longer than your vest.


Pendu’s Laws of Living:

1. Every tractor in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external Bihari Bhaiya is applied to it.

2. The rate of change of Pendu’s life is proportional to the land his father has and goes in the direction of Kaneda.

3. For every action (twisting of moustache) there is an equal and opposite reaction (scratching of crotch).


Pendu’s are alive with a hope that one day they will see the MMS of Miss Pooja.


P.S. - 'Penduism' is a religion followed by all, acknowledged by none.


                                                                                                                  - J.Walia

Not Prei(e)ty anymore

Someone once told me that Preity Zinta was a BADDD BADDD girl back in Shimla. I went to the 'Mall road' and smiled. Then someone told me that her MMS is leaked. I bought a coloured-display phone and smiled like Asif Ali Zardari. THEN SHE BOUGHT PUNJAB’S IPL TEAM and my face turned like that of Sharad Pawar, who wants to speak out his thoughts but the poor words get struck between his teeth’s and lips.

Why, in this ‘Boob-oriented, Ass-dominating’ world, did she buy the IPL team under Punjab’s name? Weren’t Lame-Ass Parkash Singh Badal and his ‘Taare Zameen Par’ type son bad enough for us?

I know she won Godfrey Phillips National Bravery award for standing against Indian Mafia in Bharat Shah’s case. I also know she escaped death twice, but who in this world gave her the right to degrade, already ailing, Punjab even more? Even she will admit now that buying an IPL team was not a brave move.

Why do girls come to the rescue of a drowning man, who is in the water just to clean his shit-smeared ass?

whY wHY WHY??? ( I'm doing my bit to save our planet by asking questions in Green)

Both Preity Zinta and Cricket have one thing in common and that's the ‘FINE LEG’. But I still don’t understand, why she bought a cricket team when she can show her cleavage and earn fast bucks?

I watched ‘Kya Kehna’ and first thought it to be her Biography. It’s not my fault. In the movie, while kissing, hugging and doing *Beep* *Beep* with a random college guy, she seemed so real that I almost thought the I am watching them LIVE. She definitely re-lived her Shimla’s life on Silver screen. Didn’t she? My Mithu told me that she was actually fat when the scenes, in which she was portrayed pregnant, were shot.

She was so fat in that movie, that she could have tied a tent around her stomach and married off four orphan girls at once.

The Bikini which she wore in the movie ‘Soldier’ was bigger than what actresses wear on red carpet today. Anyhow, it was still a pleasure to watch.

Buying a Cricket team is cool if you have a rich unsuccessful boy-friend and couple of his ugly super-rich friends to pool in the money. I mean, even I would have bought something if I had a Rich Boy-Friend Girl friend. Today, I feel like saluting Preity Zinta, because having a team full of Tusshar Kapoor type players, and still having the guts to move in the field is incredible.

The Line-up (To Hug the owner)

1. Yuvraj Singh: I have to say, he looks pregnant. No doubt, Kim Sharma still looks like a man. He has changed more girls in his life than he has changed his cricket bat.

2. Mahela Jayawardana: He is the only Mahela in the world who is a male. Probably the second. India has  Nari Contractor. Wow what a decent, family oriented name to keep. Where was he born? On GB road?

3. Ravi Bopara: Preity bought Ravi Bopara and said that she is happy that she bought another Punjabi….. Okay, so she needed a Punjabi … Hmmmmm …. If she needed a Punjabi, maybe she should have bought YOGRAJ SINGH... Atleast it would hav let Yuvraj concentrate more on cricket.

4. Manvinder Bisla: Who?

5. Mohd. Kaif: Who in this world buys him? His own family have disowned him. He looks like his body is infected with termites and he (If ‘he’ is really ‘HE”) plays as if he is seducing Bobby darling. Preity bought Mohd. Kaif for couple of crores. GOSH!!! She simply proved that money can buy everything but brain.

6. Kumar Sangakkara: In India, we write Kumar after the name and this brave son of Ravaan’s land, write it in front. He was already battling with his own Identity crisis and whatever he was left with, was lost in IPL.

7. Ramesh Pawar: Allow me to laugh first. HAHAHAHAHAHA …. Come on. Is he even fit to play?
When his wife was expecting, he took her to the hospital and guess what, his wife was treated for Gastric trouble while he was admitted to the delivery room. He looks like a Halwai who has eaten all his Ladoo’s all by himself.

8. Sreesanth: The Bitch of Harbhajan. He has unnecessary aggression..... Chalo, if not the ball, atleast his mood swings.

9. Irfan Pathan: Apparently, he hits most sixes than any other batsmen in Kings XI. Rakhshanda Khan shot some arrows of love towards him but he was busy with the daughter of an Indian diplomat in Australia. Nice catch Boy. I hope, someday, you will take some catches in the cricket field and win us matches. Reality Check: "Pathan ki band ho rahi hai dukaan".

10. Piyush Chawla: YAWN!!!!!!

11. Brett Lee: Gora-Chora from the land of Kangaroo’s. He is seen running from his hotel room to Preity Zinta’s room. On paper, he is injured and taking rest but in reality I don’t think Preity bought him to play cricket.

Preity Zinta used to cheer even when Kings XI was getting its ass rubbed against nails. She got huge, hefty, filthy money by selling tickets and from sponsorships and TV rights. Neither she nor her clueless clumsy team lost. Only Kings XI Punjab’s loyal fans lost in this extravaganza display of thighs of 5-dollar sluts, shipped in illegal containers, from South Africa.

Thank God Kings XI Punjab was not formed during "Mahabharata" days.... They are such BIGGG losers that if they were Pandava's, they would have lost so much that Shakuni mama would have showered mercy on them and we would have never witnessed Draupadi's cheer haran . And the way they are playing, the draupadi of their team, Ms. Preity Zinta's cheer haran is also on its way in the fourth season.

Preity Zinta has finally realised that there are some places on this earth where talent counts. If not in Bollywood, then definitely in cricket. I hope she will remove some Arjun Rampal's caliber cricketer's and get some players who are well informed that Preity Zinta's hugs are mere part of the agreement and not the complete deal.

Preity Zinta has now realized that secretly hugging opposite team players can sometimes win her team matches, but mostly it charges the opposite team players and they screwed us right in our home ground.... 4 wins out of 14 games... This is worst then Dia Mirza's acting skills.

Preity Zinta is all set to add another Laurel in the cap of her achievements after the IPL ... She will be the first actor in the world to receive pension after her retirement.... After her team's dismal performance, she is out of money, and do need a constant pay once she retires.

To Ness Wadia: You guys have been making bed sheets from last 131 years and you yourself were unable to spread Preity Zinta on your own bed. Now that’s a pity. You are a bigger loser than Koena Mitra’s doctor who did plastic surgery on her nose.
You were also caught up in a heated verbal argument with Punjab Police. Dude, do anything in your life, you can also throw your shoe at any minister, but don't mess with country's Desi police. They are PUNJAB POLICE and not your marathi manoos who can be shooed away.

Last year your team management was accused of racism by not allowing call girls cheer girls of African origin to shake their booty. Are you nuts?? Who in this world don’t like seeing Black Asses colliding with each other? If your team can’t win matches, why can't you let the spectator’s entertain themselves by seeing God's marvels?

Haven’t you seen Beyonce and Rihanna or were you mesmerized by Oprah Winfrey?

Ellen Degeneres thought Oprah to be a male and said, ‘If this is what you call male, then Fuck it, I’m turning Lesbian’.

To Preity Zinta: Why did you buy the IPL team? Now you will be dragged to ‘Aap ki Adalat’ by Rajat Sharma and he will stare at your dimples as if they were twisted nipples. Believe me, that guy needs therapy.

You wore the same pair of jeans in each and every match. Why? Didn’t you allow Brett Lee to get in your pants this time?

I am not blaming you for Kings XI’s dire loss. I’m simply not giving you the credit for buying the team.

Admit it Girl …. From chul-bully famous BAD girl of Shimla, you have become an aunty of Not-on-my-couch types. A dog came in the field and instead of humping you; he started doing his thing on Ramesh Pawar. Thanks to that brave Son of a Bitch aka Dog, Ramesh Pawar- A cross between an alien and black lagoon, is no longer a Virgin.

 ....... and finally, you chose the perfect color for your team's outfit... The color RED... Your team played like Monkey's Ass.

Question to everyone: What did Preity Zinta's one dimple said to the other? ..... Answer: No matter how much weight Preity gains, we'll always have less fat

P.S.- Preity, I'll still accept you with all your flaws ... Oh Come on!!!!! There is no need to say thanks. Ab rulaegi kya mujhe?


                                                                                                 
                                                               - J.Walia