An Open Letter to my Future Wife

Sohneyo, Maan-mohneyo, Makhan de duneo

First of all, if your boy-friend is touching you here and there and god knows where-where, tell that Shilajit consumer to STOP, you fucking whore.

You girls first ask us to measure the depth of your holes, and then you all say, “Sab ladke ek jaise hote hai”. WTF!! How Diplomatic!! Kya koi jabardasti karta hai? And how in this non-virgin world do you know about so called ‘Sab ladke’? How many guys have you been with?

Yaar, mujhe ek baat aaj tak samajh nahi aayi, why do girls always say that guys need only one thing? Kya hai woh cheez, aaj bata he do.... Girls, you took our name, you took our clothes, you took our style, our hairstyle, our drinking habbits etc. and all we ever took was a hole, aur tum bura maan gayi... Kya yaar!

"The one thing that every guy wants is TRUE LOVE."   Do you girls have that to give?

This “Sab ladke ek jaise hote hai” theory has travelled down centuries by aunties who either never got laid like Dolly Bindra, or got laid too often like Savita Bhabhi.

FYI: Girls have two minds. One is given by God (which is unnecessary and adds to their weight) and the second one which they develop on their own. The second mind contains all the words of wisdom which they gather from their roommates, PG girls and fat, disfigured aunties.

BLOODY BITCHES!

(Keep calm. Stay calm. Count to 10.     1, 2, 3, 4, 5,  Bobby Darling, 7, 8,  1.5 times Bobby darling, 10…. Take deep breaths)

I’m sorry ji, thora gussa aa gaya tha. My last GF used to say that sometimes I behave like Nana Patekar of Agnisakshi. No, I’m not a woman-beater, absolutely not. What she really meant was that I get angry faster than Yuvraj Singh changes his girlfriend. Hmmmm.. See, if you’re lusting/loving/fucking other guys behind my back, I won’t give you a Nobel Prize. Obviously, I’ll get angry. So, if I would ever be angry with you, it will be for your own good. Remember that always.

Imaging you with someone else is more than my gentle heart can bear. It’s like being Sri Lanka or Pakistan and watch India lift the Cricket World Cup. It’s like being Salman Khan and watch Katrina’s boobs being fondled by Bollywood’s bad man Gulshan Grover. Talking of Katrina, do you know when her MMS kaand is coming out?

How stupid of me. Since you’re a girl, how would you know? Like 3 billion of your fellow females, you would’ve also never watched a porn movie. I know that very well. And like 3 billion of your fellow liars, you must be a virgin too.

God is great. I don't know how but I always end up with a girl who is so innocent that she refers to a penis as toto, has never watched a porn movie, needless to say is a virgin, and thinks that Bhagwaan ji sends a fairy who drops the baby in a basket outside the house. Wow! Lucky me!

I'm sure you'll be more pure than Tulsi-Mihir rishta.

“A girl has the power to convince the guy that she is virgin even if she is married twice and has 5 kids.”

As I was saying, if he tries to touch you, shoot the deadliest arrow girls have --> “Sab-Kuch-Karenge-Shaadi-Ke-Baad”. Since you will be my future wife, so ultimately you'll get married to me and hence, that son of Tharki-India will be tackled....... Kalol..... Me clever na!?     :)

I HOPE [How Often People Expect] that you remain virgin till the time I get your boat explores its maiden journey in my waters. Finding a virgin seems more unrealistic than India topping the medal tally in Olympics. But as I said, I just HOPE. There is no compulsion. If the boat has already sailed in some other waters, then nothing could be done, par aapki kashti ko kinare mein he lagaunga. If not you, then I hope your sister aka my saali aka aadhi gharwali is a kancha maal aka virgin.

FACT: In today's world finding a 18+ virgin girl is as impossible as going back in time and saving Bhagat Singh.

JOKE TIME:  Ques. What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

                          Ans.   BLOWJOB

Haha, lol, Khi khi. See, I’m funny. I can make you laugh even while having sex, largely because of my inexperienced moves.

BTW, may I call you Gulabo?  Gulabo is the Punjabi virgin version of pink-y. The best part of a woman’s body should have a tinge of pink.

Gulabo, I feel sorry for you that you’ll get married to me. I know your old BF’s were all chikna’s, clean-shaven with 6 pack Abs, and seeing the trend that all Sikhs are getting their hair chopped, your ailing mother and father’s aakhiri qawaish would be to make you marry a guy who at least sports a turban no matter if he works in a call-center.
I, Jorawar Singh Walia, herby feel pity for you.

Did you know: Kissing a Sikh on his lips is more like licking hair.     Adjust kar lena ji.


SETTING EXPECTATIONS:

1.      I sometimes behave like a child. I might even demand to drink milk directly from your breasts. That’s the way I’m. You need to deal with it. You need to be patient with me. More patient than a dead body.

2.      NEVER disconnect my call. I hate it. I hate it more than Pakistan hates peace. I hate it more than a penis hates the touch of its owner’s hand. I hate it more than a girl hates all other girls, especially the beautiful ones. I hate it more than my Ex-GF’s husband hates me. I SIMPLY HATE IT!!

3.      I’m lazy, I don’t like going to social gatherings, I don’t do any household work, I watch Saas-Bahu serials and YOU have to wash my underwear.

4.      I work in a call-center, and if you ever divorce me for that, I forgive you upfront.

Gulabo, my mind is a mystery. You’ll never be able to understand me completely. Just keep it simple. Just be my Rebecca Black and I’ll be your Justin Bieber. We both will be silly fuckheads, forever.

I wish I find your G-spot as easily as Sachin finds a century in the cricket field.


On a serious note: Thanks for waiting for me. I promise you won't regret it.

Tuhada te sirf tuhada

Joru  (Haye Rabba, meinu sharan aundi ae)



                                                                                                     - J.Walia

An Open Letter to Poonam Pandey

Dear Poo,

I must tell you, your name sounds like a fart, but aapke husan ki kya baat kya BAAT KYA BAAT

POONAM PANDEY - The first time I heard you name, I thought you to be an old lady with a wrinkled forehead and with breasts growing downwards. But then I googled you and, I must admit, I was left star-struck. Immediately, Bryan Adams’s “I wanna be - your underwear” ringed my brain cells. I just hope you don’t wear a Nade wala Kaccha like me. I searched ‘Poonam Pandey hot pics’, and a feeling of accomplishment came in my dick heart. I felt good. I felt the same way Anna Hazare’s eyes and stomach felt after seeing food. I felt the same way a Pendu feels after cumming coming to Chandigarh or the same way Rakhi Sawant felt after getting her penis removed. I felt COMPLETE.

Since the day you announced that you’ll strip naked if Indian team wins the Cricket World Cup, I stopped watching porn. I even deleted, freshly downloaded, “Virgin Punjaban” porn movie. You have no idea how difficult it is to get a porn movie with a virgin girl making her debut. There is a possibility that Pakistan may stop producing terrorists, but getting a virgin girl’s seal breaking video is as impossible as getting quota system being removed from India.

I’m sure by now you must have been ‘Tested OK’ by Vijay Mallya and the quality check must have been done by his son, Siddharth Mallya. If those guys passed you, I’m sure Indian audience will lust love you. Allow my penis to be a Kingfisher bottle and let your vagina be the bottle opener, and I’m sure we both will be the King of good times. By now, many Indians would have selected your bikini clad picture as their computer’s background, and some of them would’ve even licked it.

PETA president asked you to strip for animals. There is no need to strip for God-made dogs when you can strip for Man-made dogs aka Humans. There is no harm in removing clothes for the country. Even Mahatma Gandhi did that. Though he removed his clothes mainly to insert his Khadi pole in the Charkha hole of his niece, other females he used to sleep naked with, and that male German bodybuilder. Everyone is born naked, so removing clothes is like going back to basics, being at ground zero, back to square one. Whosoever says that it will be against Indian tradition if you shed your clothes, is talking like that Vegetarian guy who first delivers a lecture that we shouldn’t eat meat, we shouldn’t eat non-veg, and then goes back to his place, strips his wife naked, eats her lips, her br****, her p**$y, and then does all that non-veg stuff with her.     Huh!!! Bloody Hypocrites.
I’m sure you won’t disappoint me and aap apne kapde utarogi jhatpat phataphat.

"I’m taking for granted that your face is also pretty."

If you strip naked, you’ll become Silk Smitha of modern India. You will become a real-life example of Savita Bhabhi. You’ll replace all naked structures in Ajanta-Ellora caves. Your Shakti Kapoor kind of act can be used to lure Atal Bihari Vajpayee to marry, L.K. Advani to stop dreaming about becoming the Prime Minister, and it can even force Moraji Desai to be re-born, drink his own urine, and die again. You’ll become goddess of every Indian virgin and help them paint their walls white.

Here’s a small poem I’ve written in your honour


You be my maid, I’ll be your Shiney
You be my Bullet, I’ll be your Kiney
You be my Monica, I’ll be your Clinton
Please strip naked and let me have some fun

I’ll be your Raja, You be my 2G spectrum
Please wear minimum, so that I can see the Maximum
I’ll be your Ramdev, you be my Yoga
Fikar na kar, jo hona hai woh hoga

You be my Amarjot, I’ll be your Chamkila
You be my Billi, I’ll be your Billa
You be my condom, I’ll be your iPill
Tere husan ne mera hai churaya Dil

I’ll be your Farmville, you be my angry bird
I’ll be your Allo Parantha, you be my plain curd
I’ll be your India, you be my corruption
I’ll be your G-spot, you be my eruption

Yo! Be my Bitch, I’ll be Yo! Daddy
When it starts to leak blood, Yo! Wear the paddy
Remove the fucking clothes, when Yo! Ready
You’re a playgirl, Yo! Every virgin’s teddy.

I’ll be your Laalu, You be my Chara
Kapde outar de, keh raha Walia bechara
Beta Poo, yeh mauka phir na aayega dobara
“Vaada pura karo” hai har Bharatiye ka naara

Aap ne cricket ke mauke par, naked hone ka aisa chauka mara ki pura India is chance ko dekhne ke liye dance karne lag gaya. I must say, what an idea Madamji….. What an Idea!
If you somehow keep up to your promise, then my grand salute to you, else I’m sure few Indian will assemble at Jantar Mantar and observe No-masturbation-till-Poonam-Pandey-gets-naked celibacy.

In the end I just wanna say that you made the World Cup more interesting.

Poo, it’s an honour to say, “You make my pants go TIGHT!!!”          Ouch!!  Zip tutt gayi


Yours seductively

J.Walia

10+1 reasons why INDIA should win the ICC Cricket World Cup 2011

After 42 days, FINAL-LY, the day has come, for which Saurav Ganguly once removed his t-shirt. The day, for which Navjot Singh Sidhu bought 42 different coloured turbans. The day, for which Ravi Shastri grew pubic hair on his scalp. The day, for which Sonia Gandhi came to India and said Namaste in an Italian accent.  The day, for which stupid Christopher Columbus thought America to be India. The day, for which Neena Gupta jumped over Viv Richards’s weiner, and became a Kamzor Kadi herself. The day, for which Derek O’Brien became a quiz master so that he could ask, who won the cricket world cup in the year 2011?
The day, for which Sachin Tendulkar started playing cricket.

In India, there are more Gods and less people to follow them. Everybody is vowing to god in one way or the other, just to make sure that India wins the world cup. Some guys are vowing to god that they won’t masturbate imagining their 'Tota padosan' aunty, while some girls have exchanged India’s win for not faking an orgasm. Even Karan Johar is not drinking Koffee on Shahrukh Khan’s lap, and SRK is also not giving any Zor Ka Jhatka on KJ’s ass cheek.  Shiney Ahuja said that he won’t fuck his maid for one week, while Manu Sharma confirmed that he isn’t going to shoot anyone till the time India wins the world cup. After losing money and her last drop of semen, Preity Zinta got her fixed deposits broken, to buy a Student class ticket for the world cup finals. Even Taare Zameen Par’s female version, Nita Ambani, got more mass on her ass so that when Bhajji picks her up this time, the surdy feels the warmth of her nest, and flies like a bird.

Here are my 10+1 reasons why India should win.

1. Sri Lanka belongs to Raavan’s land. No, I’m not talking about the movie which had papa ka beta, Abhishek. I’m talking about the guy who had not one, not two, but holy freaking 10 heads. Had he been alive today, he would have been taking 10 calls at a time in a call-center. Sri Lanka already have Raavan ki Sone ki Lanka, why do they need a stupid cup? They just need to find that palace of gold, and they'll become very rich. They can also take help of India's premier news channel, INDIA TV, which can apparently find things which never existed.

2. It’s just a world cup trophy and not a Shivling where one can rub the pussy and get a child. What will Sri Lanka do if they win the world cup trophy? They will keep the trophy in their cricket board’s office. That’s it? What’s the use? Let India win the world cup, and see what all miracles happen. On all Hindu festivals, the trophy will drink milk. On Gurupurab, the world cup trophy will grow beard and on Eid, we’ll cut the fucking head of the trophy in the name of Allah.

3.  Srilankan player’s names are very BIG. Mahela Jayawardene’s full name is Denagamage Proboth Mahela de Silva Jayawardene. It is bigger than full grown beard of a Sikh gentleman. ICC’s official website crashed twice while updating names of the Srilankan players. Let me give a short, sweet and appropriate name to the Srilankan team, “LOSER”

4. Srilankan player’s faces are not photogenic. In today’s world, where boob is of greater importance than brain, where pussy holds more substance than trust, good looking face is very important. More important than girl’s urge to ditch a guy. Look at Muralitharan. Doesn’t he look like a guy who sells tomato soup on the streets?
When Srilankan players wash their faces, the water gets “Saaza-E-Kaala paani”

5. Mendis, Murali, and Malinga are not humans. They’re Industrial made products. Have you seen how they twist, turn, curl their arms while bowling? I think the Srilankan government collected semen from thousands of used condoms, stored it in a big test tube, heated it on jism ki garmi of Savita Bhabhi, shoved it in a Chudail’s vagina, and after few years, these three were born. Even Khali, whose walking style resembles the movement of Chinese robot, said, “Jai Maa Kaali, yeh saale insaan lagte he nahi.”

6. India needs to win for the sake of Sharad Pawar’s face. His face looks like tummy of a 95 years old granny.  He wants to speak out his thoughts, but the poor words get struck between his teeth’s and lips. Now if India loses, Sharad Pawar will feel sad and imagine his sad face. If anyone sees his sad face, s/he will die of Haiza.

7. By reading the names of the Srilankan players, one cannot figure it out whether the player is a female, male or the cow whose fodder Lalu ate. Look at Mahela Jayawardene. He is the only Mahela in the world who is a male. Probably, the second. India has  Nari Contractor. Wow what a decent, family oriented name to keep. Where was he born? On GB road?
In India, we write Kumar after the name and this brave son of Raavan’s land, Kumar Sangakkara, writes it in front. He was already battling with his own Identity crisis and whatever he was left with, will be lost in the world cup final.

8. A SMS joke has been taking rounds in all cellphones within last few days.

Virende'R'a
          S'A'chin
   Yuvra'J'
     Gaut'A'm
   Patha'N'
    Dhon'I'
    Virat 'K'ohli
  Harbh'A'jan
 Z. Kha'N'
   M Pa'T'el
      As'H'win
 

Jis team me ho Rajanikanth..! wo kabhi haaregi kya?
Yennaa Raaskalla !
Mind It!

9. As per the latest reports, Mohandas Karanchand Gandhi was GAY.    WoW!!!!!

The father of the nation was gay, yet India’s population is over 1.2 billion. Don’t we deserve the world cup without even playing the finals?
There is another reason why Gandhi was called father of the nation. Due to him, aaj puure India ki maa chudi hui hai.


10. Personally, the only reason why India should win the ICC world cup 2011 is POONAM PANDEY. *Blush*
She has promised that if India wins, she’ll go all naked. Haye Allah, mujhe sharam aa rahi hai.

+1 reason why India deserves to win is:

                                                               

                                                                                                                           - J.Walia